Joan's blog

My Farewell - Sunday, June 20, 2010

2010-06-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a project you were so passionate about that you referred to it as your "baby." This blog has been just that for me. Although it has only been ten months since I began work on this project, I believe the time to end it is at hand, and it is with mixed emotions that I do. On the one hand, I feel that I have shared enough, and the rest of my experience would be anti-climatic. On the other hand, I am concerned that at some later date I will have something really important to say and no venue in which to share it.

It is so interesting to look back on some of the posts in this blog. At times I am still surprised at how frank I have been. The one standard for guidance I always used regarding whether or not to share an experience was the phrase written on the back of my blog cards. It says, "For those dealing with cancer and those who love them." Those words have driven me to push past my comfort zone because it was always my desire that sharing my experiences would help someone else. If you are facing or have faced cancer, or love someone who is, and have received help from anything in this blog, my purpose is fulfilled, and my joy complete. In addition, I want to truly thank everyone who has faithfully read my story. For whatever reason you did, I am thankful for your support. I am also grateful for those of you who have told me in person how much it encouraged you. It always blessed me to hear this.

Only God knows what my future holds. However, I will say my immediate dreams and goals include removing the remainder of the mercury amalgam fillings, detoxing, and working with Bryn Mawr’s Complementary Medicine Program. I also want and need to finish the work for my Certified Nutritional Consultant license. All of these projects require time and energy which, at this point, I am still rationing. Ending the blog would allow me more time on the weekends to study and complete my course work. By the way, if any of you are interested in my continued progress, feel free to call Martindale’s @ 610-543-6811 and ask for me.

For the long term, I plan to live, live well, and for a very long time. I also plan to serve God and help as many people as possible along the way. My question, dear reader, is what about you?

Fare well and thanks for reading,
Joan

One Year Later - Wednesday, June 16, 2010

2010-06-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I actually made it! Thank God, it has been one year since my operation. The strange thing is that I did not feel like celebrating at all. Frankly, I found myself feeling strangely emotional. It was as though I was re-living the day one more time. I wanted to talk about it to someone so I reminded Marilyn what day it was. The only problem was that I broke down and cried as I did. The crying turned to sobbing as some unknown dam of emotions from deep inside seemed to be unleashed. I really did not understand why since it was supposed to be a day for celebration, not tears. Marilyn explained that even though the experience had ended, it did not change the fact that it was a very scary time and full of conflicting emotions. Actually, the tears were a relief, so I let them flow until they stopped. We did go out to dinner. Even though the meal was something of a disappointment, it still felt good to celebrate the end of a very long and challenging (I would rather describe it as hellish) year.

Breast Cancer Support Group - Tuesday, June 15, 2010

2010-06-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the monthly support group for Breast Cancer survivors which Ruth Mary hosts. I tried rather unsuccessfully to leave work early and so arrived about a half hour late. One of the nurses from the Comprehensive Breast Center was speaking about a new method for breast self-examination. I must admit it seemed so complicated that I felt a little intimidated by the information. However, since the tumor I had was first detected through self-examination, not mammography, I was glad to have it.

About a dozen women were in attendance who shared rather openly about their experiences with breast cancer, their doctors, testing, etc. Because it was my first time, I just listened, thinking it would be best to get a feel for the group’s dynamics before opening my mouth. They seem to be a group of sincere and open-hearted women. Both nurses who attended were also kind and friendly. I happened to mention to several ladies afterward that tomorrow was the one year anniversary of my operation. I was surprised at their response. Each woman seemed genuinely excited and encouraged me to celebrate by doing something for myself like going out to dinner or getting a massage or pedicure. I had briefly entertained the thought of going out to dinner, but had nixed the idea. It seemed frivolous after the celebration dinner I hosted a month ago. However, after speaking with them, I changed my mind and again made plans to do so.

National Cancer Survivors Day - Thursday, June 10, 2010

2010-06-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

Bryn Mawr Hospital hosted an event this evening honoring Cancer Survivors Day entitled, "Slam Dunk Against Cancer." I received the invitation a few weeks prior and decided it might be worth my while to attend. Fran Dunphy, who I later learned coaches the Temple Owls, (no, I am not a fan of college basketball) gave a speech. Apparently, he is involved in a organization called "Coaches vs. Cancer." It was a pleasant two-hour program which took place on the hospital’s Newtown Square campus parking lot. Towards the end of the evening, I was able to briefly speak with the head of the Complementary Medicine program. She invited me to their Breast Cancer Support group which meets every third Tuesday of the month at that same location. Although my habit would usually be to avoid such a meeting, I have decided to attend at least some of them. It is my hope that through establishing more solid relationships with "survivors" or newly diagnosed patients, I can be of some assistance to those who otherwise would know nothing about the benefits of complementary medicine. For this reason, even though I am usually tired by the end of the day, I will do my best to become a regular attendee.

Signs Of Recovery - Tuesday, June 1, 2010

2010-06-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

It is always amazing to me how quickly a month passes. It seems just a few days have passed since my last visit to the naturopath, yet today was my monthly appointment. As usual, I had my list of questions prepared the night before. I also planned everything I needed to do prior to leaving home, or so I thought. It was around 7:15 a.m. that I suddenly remembered the staff member who opens the store on Tuesdays was on vacation. That meant that no one scheduled to work the early shift could open the door. I began frantically making phone calls to locate someone on the schedule who had a key besides me. After about ten attempts, I gave up and decided to do the job myself. The only problem was that I had been exercising and was by no means ready to face the outside world. Since only 15 minutes remained until the store’s opening, I had no other option but to dash out of the house sans makeup and drive in my pajamas to Martindale’s. (Fortunately, they resemble an exercise outfit.) It only took a few minutes to help the staff open the store, then I jumped back in the car and headed home. (Move over, Speed Racer!) Although this addition to my routine only took about a half an hour, it was enough extra time to thoroughly undermine my plans for a calm morning. I found myself racing to my appointment only to arrive late. So much for reduced stress.

The naturopath and I discussed a number of subjects from which I received a good deal of insight. However, one piece of information really benefitted me. I have been puzzled over what seemed to be a regression in my physical progress. Lately, I have been feeling more achy and tired than in recent months. I could not determine why, so I wondered about the possible cause. During our session, the naturopath offered an explanation. According to her understanding, adrenal recovery mimics adrenal exhaustion. As the adrenals progress toward an exhausted state, a person feels fine for the most part, yet experiences tiredness at times. When the adrenals hit rock bottom, exhaustion becomes chronic. Fortunately, the adrenals can recover. As they repair, a person who has continually felt exhausted, gradually comes to a point of feeling tired some of the time. As the recovery continues, the same person will feel tired less and less until eventually he/she feels normal. I must be somewhere in the "between" stages in that I am no longer tired every day, all day. However, there are days when I wake up with an achiness and weariness that lasts into the evening. Other times, as I have stated before, I feel fine, then suddenly, lose my energy in the middle of the day. I cannot describe how frustrating this is, especially for someone like me who always has a long "to do" list. Unfortunately, no amount of griping on my part will change it. The other thing I was able to understand was that I should not feel guilty about not being fully recovered at this point. For some reason, that has been an issue for me. Her explanation made me feel better about the progress I have made. So, for now, I will try to exercise patience until recovery is complete.

An Interesting Development - Saturday, May 29, 2010

2010-05-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have noticed something unusual. For the past four nights since the root canal removal, I have slept through the night. I have had problems waking up during the night and sometimes have not been able to go back to sleep since late 2007. So, these consecutive full nights of sleep have caught my attention. I wonder if it is a result of the dental surgery and removal of infection from my gum. Though it is too early to tell what is the cause, I am grateful for the change and hope it will continue.

Goodbye, Root Canal - Tuesday, May 25, 2010

2010-05-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

I feel compelled to remind everyone that it is seven months to Christmas as of today. That means there are only 210 shopping days left, more or less. I am sure that was foremost in your thinking! :) :) :) :)

Today was my appointment with the dentist for the root canal removal. Thankfully, the whole event proceeded with no complications. The only hold-up came because of my questions before the procedure began. I was unaware that he planned to remove a leaking and diseased mercury amalgam filling from an adjacent tooth during the same appointment. I was also a tad unnerved by the thought of having a bone graft, so I needed to be reassured several times that the material would be clean. Once relatively satisfied that the testing done on the bone was meticulous enough, I gave my permission to begin. I now know why Carol recommended this dentist. Before we started, his assistant gave me Chlorella tablets because it binds to mercury and helps remove it from your system. They also used the recommended equipment for amalgam removal, including oxygen, a device called a "Rubber Dam", and some sort of vacuum which prevents the inhaling of any vapors from the unleashed mercury. During the procedure, the dentist found infection under the roots and also a cyst growing. When the work was finished, they gave me a script for an antibiotic and Percocet. However, I intend to use Oil of Oregano capsules instead of the antibiotic, and I found I only needed Advil for the pain. I have a follow-up surgical appointment in two weeks to check the progress of my healing.

It seems a little funny to be without a tooth. It makes me feel like a snaggle-toothed fishwife, so I will be glad when I can get the implant installed in six months.

Long Awaited Celebration - Wednesday, May 19, 2010

2010-05-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

The idea for this "thank you" dinner came while I was still undergoing chemo. It continually overwhelmed me that so many were willing to rearrange their schedules in order to drive me to doctors' appointments AND sit with me through three hours of treatment. A number of others supported me in unusual ways. One such example was my hairstylist who has not charged me for any services rendered during the past year. All this time I could do nothing to show my appreciation. However, I thought after the medical protocol was ended and I had a few months to recover would be a great time to plan this event.

I chose my favorite organic restaurant located in Styer’s Nursery for the setting. This place was very important to me during my treatments because I knew I could trust the integrity of the food they serve. Aside from this, the restaurant itself is quite unique. It is set inside a greenhouse complete with plants, trees, and some of the most unusual natural decorations. The atmosphere is quite peaceful as well. I told my guests to dress up as this was a time to celebrate, not me, but them. In other words, this dinner was my opportunity to celebrate their contributions to my life. Months ago, one of my best friends gave me an evening gown that had never been worn. It is one of those long, sparkly, black, spaghetti-strapped, clingy numbers with a matching long-sleeved shrug. Surprisingly, it fit. So, I thought tonight would be the perfect occasion to christen the dress.

My intentions were to arrive a half an hour before my guests, but that did not happen. Fortunately, we were ten minutes ahead and were able to set up the place cards and CD player before they came. By six-thirty everyone had arrived, and we were able to begin dining. The food exceeded my expectations as well as those of my guests. After dinner, we had an awards ceremony. I gave every guest a "Team Joan 2010 Award." On each certificate, I described in two or three words what that person had demonstrated to me during the last year. I really worked hard on the awards, proofreading them about five times each. So, it was traumatizing to learn that I had misspelled the word "circumstances." So much for my hard efforts. Anyway, the evening was absolutely perfect otherwise. As we dined, I could observe each guest seeming to have a great time. That was my goal, to give them a pleasant evening in appreciation for all they had done for me during such a challenging year. It was a very rewarding feeling and well worth the money and time put into the event. I am overjoyed that I was able to do this for them. The evening also seemed to serve as an appropriate closure to a very difficult season in my life. It feels like something ended and something began within me tonight. A new season is coming and I look forward to what it holds.

In The Clear - Tuesday, May 18, 2010

2010-05-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

By three o’clock this morning, I was wide awake. No matter what I tried, sleep evaded me. I will never understand why on the nights you need sleep the most, it seems you get the least amount. Thankfully, my sister accompanied me to the Breast Center for the test. I was required to arrive by 10:15 for a 10:30 a.m. ultrasound in order to pre-register. After registering, I tried to busy myself with some simple tasks. Finally, one of the technicians called me into the room to be tested. They took about a dozen pictures, told me I could get dressed, then left to show the films to the radiologist. After a few minutes, they returned to say my doctor would have the report today or tomorrow. Then, almost as an afterthought, she said the tissue in question looked normal. I asked her to repeat her statement because I wanted to be certain I was hearing her correctly. It was not until that moment that I realized how much I had been holding my breath, so to speak. I could feel a dam beginning to break behind my eyes, so I rushed out of the room as fast as my legs could carry me. My sister had to remind me to pay the parking fee before I left the building. (The Breast Center has an efficient system that allows you to pay the parking fee in a machine before exiting the lobby.) As soon as I paid the fee, I practically ran toward the car. Once inside, I began sobbing uncontrollably in the front seat, breathing hard just to keep up with the flow of tears. I have no idea how long that lasted. It felt as though I was breathing for the first time in days. When I finally regained my composure I called my friend and gasped, "I am okay. The tissue is normal!" She responded, " I know, I know" as if she had heard the report ahead of time. Then there was silence on the phone for a moment or two while I tried to calm down. It is so difficult to describe times like these. I felt as though ten thousand pounds had been lifted off my shoulders. Or as though I had been required to hold my breath for hours then been allowed to breathe again. To say I was relieved by that news is an understatement!

Anyway, the "thank you" dinner I have been planning for about eight months is tomorrow evening. I had to reschedule it for May 19th because of my sister’s operation and required recovery time. This was another reason I had the ultrasound as soon as possible. I did not want anything destroying my ability to celebrate the end of a very long and arduous year.

An Unnerving Day - Friday, May 14, 2010

2010-05-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

I know by now that when a doctor repeatedly exams the same spot on my body with a thoughtful look on his/her face, a challenge is near. This very thing occurred a month ago during my check-up with the oncologist. He found "something" above my left clavicle bone. At the time, he told me not to worry. This was easier said than done since my sister had just been diagnosed with uterine cancer. Because the area felt "rubbery" instead of hard, he believed it was not cancerous. However, he wanted to watch the spot and instructed me to return in four to six weeks. Today was that appointment. Once again, my doctor examined the area in question over and over again with the same pensive look on his face. Then he sat down and explained that because the spot measured about one centimeter, he felt it should be tested. Apparently, there is a chance it could be early cancer in another location. So, his recommendation was to have an ultrasound of the area as a precautionary measure. I could not help but lose my composure. Even the thought of another cancer growing in my body was too much to handle at this point. After all, I am still recovering from the medical treatment and trying to regain my life and strength. I do not know how accustomed this man is to seeing patients cry, but he did a good job of seeming at ease with my tears. Still, I felt embarrassed at my own response. It was then that he reminded me how we had discussed the possibility of a second occurrence because of the aggressive nature of the cancer I had. It was for this reason he wanted to exercise a greater degree of caution.

As I left the office today with the script I felt in a daze and needing support. Sometimes it is better to be alone in order to sort things out and sometimes it is not. This was a "not" time. I called one of my best friends and through tears told her what the doctor said. She prayed for me, then encouraged me to schedule the ultrasound as quickly as I could, even today, if possible. Unfortunately, the earliest appointment I could get is Tuesday. So, I will need to keep my mind more focused on the faithfulness of God than usual over the next few days.

Foiled Again - Thursday, May 13, 2010

2010-05-16T17:28:00.001-07:00

At Martindale’s, Thursday is the largest shipment day of the week. I felt energetic enough this morning so I worked as fast as I could helping to put the products away. (Our aim is to clear the sales floor of boxes as early as possible so that the customers can shop unhindered.) It felt good to be able to work hard. Unfortunately, after a few hours, the tiredness hit me like a ton of bricks. I am always fooled by this. On days like today, I think I am finally passed the point of being easily tired. Then ... boom! My energy is spent and it is only twelve o’clock in the afternoon. This would not be a problem if it were not for the fact that there are still four hours of work left, food shopping, cooking dinner, and church tonight. I really do have hope though that soon I will learn to ration my energy levels more effectively. It just was not the case today. So, as I sat down with my boss this afternoon I prayed for strength to make it through our meeting without falling asleep. Thankfully, I did, and through the rest of the day as well, although the tiredness would wash over me at times. It will be great to regain my energy levels. In the meantime, I am grateful, because I could be experiencing a lot more residual effects from the chemo and radiation than this. Also, the weekend is coming and that means I can take a nap whenever necessary.

Test Results - Tuesday, May 11, 2010

2010-05-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

I always look forward to my visits with the naturopath. It has been my habit to be as quiet as possible in any medical doctor’s office in the hope that I will escape as quickly as possible. This is not the case with the naturopath. Maybe it is because we agree on the approach that I feel as though I am participating in the process rather than defending my stance. I feel much more able to be myself also because I do not have to explain everything I believe, medically speaking, that is. Do not misunderstand me, I truly appreciate and respect the doctors the Lord has given me, however much I disagree with their approach.

Anyway, we discussed the results of my recent blood work. My SED Rate and C-Reactive Protein (CRP), which are markers for inflammation, were very low. I believe this was due to the natural anti-inflammatories, liver cleansing, and diet I have been observing. My Ferritin (iron storage) count was somewhat low as well, but still in range, so she prescribed a blood building supplement from Carlson to address this issue. (She feels this is the cause of the tiredness I keep feeling.) My Vitamin D levels had increased significantly since the last test, but could still be higher, so she suggested I increase my D supplementation for a couple of weeks. Apparently, a number of her patients’ pain has been reduced as their Vitamin D levels rose. I am still experiencing pain, especially in the morning, so I hope this will help. She then suggested some supplements to take as preparation for the removal of my root canal. Lastly, we discussed how to lose the four extra and unwanted pounds I have gained in the past few months. I think it is a combination of menopause and enjoying food too much. I decided to take her advice and walk more often than I lift weights as it will burn more calories. We will see what happens as a result.

Happy Mother's Day - Sunday, May 9, 2010

2010-05-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms. I wish you the best of time spent with your children!

The Meeting - Tuesday, May 4, 2010

2010-05-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today, I did my usual "how much can I cram into one morning and still make it on time" routine. Of course, this left me rushing to find a parking space and needing to settle on the garage at the Comprehensive Breast Center.

I have no idea what happened to me on the way to the appointment, but from the time I sat down with Ruthmary, my mouth rarely stopped moving. I think the most accurate description would be to say I "unloaded on her with both barrels." What was supposed to be a half-hour session turned into an hour and a half. (Just so you know, I did give her space to speak.) I had not planned what to say beforehand, but once there, I began by giving her an abbreviated version of my journey this past year as well as my background in alternative health. I included in my account some of the modalities I felt helped me do well during the medical protocol. I spoke of my ideas about treating the whole person, spirit, soul, and body, and how this could be coordinated. We even discussed the issue of finances. In Pennsylvania, Complementary Medicine is not covered by insurance, so it can be expensive, and therefore out of reach for so many. I believe there are ways to address that issue, making it available to more people. She seemed very open to my thoughts and shared some of her own experiences at Jefferson’s Integrative Health Unit. It certainly appeared as though we were on the same page. We also talked about the development of the program at Bryn Mawr and its challenges. It was a very stimulating conversation, to say the least. As our time drew to a close, she asked if I would consider meeting with some key people for a brainstorming session to possibly create a plan of action. One of the blessings of being an adult, I believe, is the ability to control one’s emotions. On the inside, I was doing somersaults and screaming, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" On the outside, I simply smiled and remarked that I would definitely make time to attend such a meeting.

As I left Ruthmary’s office, I could not help but again wonder at what a difference a year can make. Last year at this time I was completely overwhelmed by the diagnosis of cancer and preparations for an upcoming operation. One year later, I have "come through the fire" and am able to think about the future in a positive way. This was one more opportunity to thank God for His faithfulness to me!

Dental Appointment - Monday, May 3, 2010

2010-05-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

I finally made it through heavy traffic this morning to my dental appointment. The building was a bit confusing because it had so many entrance-ways. I drove around it once then walked half-way around the opposite direction before I discovered which was the correct door to the dentist’s office.

Once there, I was ushered into one of the many patient rooms for an exam and more X-rays than I anticipated. After that, the dentist took digital pictures of every inch of my mouth. (You would be amazed at how strange your mouth looks from that angle.) Anyway, he recommended the root canal tooth be pulled because he could see infection underneath it on the X-rays. Then, he gave me a complete description of the condition of my amalgam fillings. He seemed very thorough and knowledgeable. I made an appointment for late this month for the extraction. I will need to postpone the appointment with the other dentist for the mercury amalgam removals so that my mouth can heal, and I can do some detoxing in the interim.

When I arrived at work, there was a message left on my desk from the head of the Complementary Medicine program at Bryn Mawr. I called her back immediately, but could not reach her. Some time passed and she returned my call.....finally we connected! That was the longest segment of phone tag I had ever played. Anyway, she happened to have time available on Tuesday, May 4th. We agreed on ten o’clock in the morning in her office for a half an hour. I am very excited for the opportunity!

A Desired Phone Call - Friday, April 30, 2010

2010-05-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ever since the day of the seminar at Bryn Mawr, I have been playing phone tag with Ruth Mary, the social worker who runs the Complementary Medicine program there. Today, I received a return call from her associate inquiring as to which of their services I was seeking. I apprised her of my background and desire to assist the program in anyway I could. She expressed interest in meeting me and learning what she could from my experience.

On another note, on Monday I will be consulting with the dentist who will remove my root canal. In another two weeks, I have an appointment with the dentist who will remove my mercury amalgam fillings. Then it will be more detoxing, and I trust, more healing.

A Shocking Surprise - Tuesday, April 27, 2010

2010-05-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

Because April 2009 was so difficult, I was really hoping to live through April 2010 without any major catastrophes. Things were going rather well until the ninth. Fran had been in the hospital for an exploratory procedure a few days prior. That morning her doctor left a voice mail requesting that my sister call her. It seemed a little odd because she told my sister the results would not be conclusive for nine or ten days. I called Fran informing her of the message, then went on my merry way. I arrived at work about an hour or so later and learned Fran had called. I thought I would finish my food shopping (which I do before starting work) then phone her. A couple of minutes passed, and Fran called again to tell me that the test results showed early stage uterine cancer. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Actually, I do not know how to describe what I felt in that moment. All I know is my mind was reeling. Fortunately, Marilyn, the resident Mother Hen of Martindale’s, had overheard my end of the conversation. She grabbed my shoulders, steered me into my office, and shut the door. I sat in disbelief and cried until I could not cry any longer. The last thing I wanted was to see her go through the same challenges I had experienced last year.

What is amazing about any disease is the education one gets in the process. Four days later, Fran and I were sitting in the office of one of the top Gyn Oncologist’s in the Philadelphia area. He said he could not confirm that the cancer was in its early stages, which caused both of us more concern. However, I steadied my nerves with the thought that any surgeon is required to explain all possible outcomes for malpractice reasons. The surgeon wanted to operate within the following two weeks. So, Fran chose Monday, the 26th, at Paoli Hospital.

I must say she showed tremendous faith and courage as she prepared for surgery. Both of us prayed there would be no invasion into the uterine wall, and therefore no need to remove any surrounding lymph nodes. Removal of any lymph nodes would demand a course of radiation therapy. Fran did not want to have to face the prospect of any radiation or chemo, and I cannot blame her.

By the time yesterday morning arrived, I could barely move my head from side to side. I believe it was the stress of the past two weeks manifesting in my body. We arrived at the hospital by 7:00 a.m., then the nurses began their prep work for Fran’s surgery. I left for the waiting area, found a comfortable seat, and listened to scriptures on my Ipod. At 10:15, I was ushered into one of the private conference rooms to wait for the surgeon. After a few minutes, he appeared, shook my hand, then began rattling off facts about the operation so quickly that I had a hard time writing them down. To sum it up, there was no cancer found in the initial frozen samples taken and therefore no need to remove any lymph nodes. He explained that usually the final pathology report mirrors the initial one. Thank God!!! She could not have had a better report. I then began calling everyone on my list who wanted a report of the surgery’s outcome.

According to Fran’s research, patients who exercise and take fiber recover quicker than those who do not. She does both, so it was no surprise that she rebounded quickly from the surgery, astounding the doctor and nurses. She was released after lunch today and is now home resting comfortably. As I observed her during the hours after the operation, I could not help but notice how emotionally alert she seemed. I remembered being in such a fog the entire day of my surgery. It is amazing how much effect a medical report can have on one’s outlook. Well, I think it is safe to say that I will be leaving the month of April with good news!

Another Milestone - Saturday, April 24, 2010

2010-04-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

I passed another milestone today. It was the one year anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with cancer. I think I can honestly say that was one of the worst days of my life to date. That morning, I left for Einstein Hospital innocently thinking I would be back at work by eleven o’clock after a routine breast aspiration. After three attempts, my doctor sent me to the Women’s Center for a mammogram and ultrasound. Two mammograms, one ultra-sound, a core biopsy, and hours later, I was confronted with a preliminary diagnosis of cancer. I left the doctor’s office dazed, bracing myself for the journey home. I remember how long the trip seemed as I kept encountering traffic jams en route. I am still grateful to God that my sister forced me to get a cell phone a few months prior. The phone contact kept me focused as I drove back to Springfield. Actually, I should have gone home, but instead I went to Martindale’s. I have no explanation for it, but in distressing times, I find it helpful to maintain my routine. So, instead of heading home, I stopped at Martindale’s in order to pick up a few items. My best friend met me in the parking lot. She bought the groceries for me, then sat with me in the car. We prayed, cried, and laughed together for over an hour, then I drove home. That night, my sister and I did the same. I went to bed in a daze, my thoughts whirling over the events of the day and what the future might hold. Now, exactly one year has passed, and I am so glad to be on this side of the journey. Even though that day holds a lot of difficult memories, I believe that because of it my future is full of new opportunities. I am eager to experience them and see where they may lead.

The Conference - Thursday, April 22, 2010

2010-04-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

The conference I spoke of a few weeks ago occurred today. I barely arrived on time because the outfit I carefully laid out the evening before looked awful this morning. The colors did not match, although last night they seemed perfect. So, at the last minute, I changed outfits three times before finally finding something that looked decent. Then it was a race to the conference center.

A variety of topics were presented including what to expect from your doctor, fighting fatigue, overcoming fear, cancer-fighting/cancer-causing foods and organic eating. Also, Mark Silver, author of "Breast Cancer Husband", gave a lecture based on his book. The last hour included a "Q&A" session with some of Bryn Mawr’s top doctors. It is difficult to convey in such a short space all the thoughts/feelings I experienced throughout the day. Some of the topics were interesting. I enjoyed the talk given by the Chief of Surgery regarding doctor/patient expectations. On the other hand, I found the lecture regarding fatigue too full of statistics, but lacking in practical application. Although, the physician giving the talk revealed one piece of information I was glad to hear. Apparently, there is new evidence in the medical community linking systemic inflammation to cancer. This is one of the reasons I believe traditional and alternative medicine need to cultivate a stronger dialogue. (I hope to be a part of that cultivation.) The idea that inflammation can be an underlying cause of cancer has long been understood in the alternative sector.

The last lecture on cancer-causing/fighting foods and organic eating, the impetus for my attending, was in retrospect the most disappointing. Basing her remarks on medical studies, this speaker basically denied any relationship between food and cancer. (The source of these studies as well as their validity was never revealed.) She also said that there is no nutritional difference between organic and commercially-grown produce. Lastly, she stated vitamins were basically unnecessary because most people obtain their nutrition from food. I have read so much evidence to the contrary that I was disturbed, to say the least. To tell you the truth, I suspected beforehand the topic would be presented from this perspective. However, it did not prevent me from feeling shocked and dismayed at such bias when I heard it. I left the conference somewhat upset, my mind churning over what I considered damaging words. Thankfully, I had the good sense to call a close friend who helped me put the day in better perspective.

Actually, I believe it was beneficial for me to attend the seminar. I was able to gain a closer glimpse of the philosophies that drive the medical community. It was also a blessing to witness such a group of intelligent, dedicated people. Unfortunately, I was acutely aware of how much is missed in the pursuit of cutting-edge knowledge. From my perspective, these physicians seem so focused on new "studies" that the basic physiology of the human body coupled with critical thinking have been abandoned. To my mind this leaves medical care sadly incomplete. Please, do not misunderstand me. Doctors are busy people to begin with, and I am not criticizing them. I simply wish their view of proper medical care incorporated treatment for the entire human being. To put it bluntly, I am not just a breast or an ovary, etc. I am a three part human being, including spirit, soul, and body. What effects one part effects the other. If we focus only on the end result, whether it be a compromised organ or a disease, we miss the opportunity to deal with the roots of it. I believe if the roots are not addressed, the problem will continue to fester. In my opinion, this is why we lose so many people.

I have one last item to share. What made the whole day worthwhile, besides a great lunch, was meeting the coordinator of the complementary medicine program at the hospital. She is a dear woman named Ruthmary. I explained to her that I manage a health food store and had just finished chemo and radiation treatments. She seemed as eager to speak with me as I was with her. I told her I would call her within the next week. Apparently, the program is in its infancy stages. My desire is to influence its development using the wisdom I have acquired from study and this past year’s experiences.

An Anniversary - Saturday, April 17, 2010

2010-04-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago that I discovered the tumor. I still remember reaching for something on the coffee table only to accidentally brush against my right breast and discover a strange hardness there. What a change that one action has produced in my life! It seems like light years have passed between then and now. I am not the same person I was before that moment. Quite frankly, I would not wish what I have been through in these past twelve months on someone who hated me intensely. At times, it has been a hellish nightmare. However, I believe I leave this past year with many positives. I have a greater level of compassion for the suffering as well as an experiential knowledge of my heavenly Father’s care, and a greater appreciation for life, to name a few. Also, I feel as though my desire to help people has greatly expanded because of this experience. So, it is these things I intend to take away from this last year and use the lessons I have learned wisely for the benefit of others.

The Follow-Up - Wednesday, April 14, 2010

2010-04-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

It has been five months since I finished chemo and thus, time for a follow-up visit with the oncologist. Fortunately, I like the man even though I hate the protocol he prescribed. I gave him my list of complaints/concerns. He said the tiredness was a common complaint. Since in his estimation, I had virtually no side-effects, the achiness puzzled him. I reminded him that chemo was cumulative. However, my reminder went unnoticed. He seemed determined to exonerate the chemo and find some other cause. So, he then asked me if my supplements could be producing the symptoms. I could not believe he even suggested such a thing and responded by saying, "Are you kidding? Give me a break!" He tried to suggest the vitamins instead of the chemo or steroids were the culprit one more time. To this I replied, "Do you want me to quote you statistics?" (I was referring to the World Health Organization’s statistics regarding the number of deaths due to properly prescribed medications.) At this point, he surrendered the battle by saying with a smile, "I just thought I would ask."

We also had a "lively" discussion concerning mammograms as a means of monitoring my health. Discovering the tumor on my own only ten months after a mammogram has left me feeling they are almost useless for cancer-screening. Hence, my use of the word "lively" in describing the conversation. The doctor agreed that mammograms are insufficient at times. He then explained that preventive care should be a three-pronged approach of self and physician exams combined with mammography. At the end of the appointment, he wrote a script for the blood tests the naturopath had requested. I trust the results will show her the next step in my recovery.

The Monthly Appointment - Tuesday, April 13, 2010

2010-04-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

My monthly appointment with the naturopath came today. As usual, I made a list the night before of my questions, symptoms and ailments. Just to make sure I had not missed anything, I reviewed last month’s list. To my dismay, it looked the same as this month’s. I was disappointed at the thought of not making progress. However, when I mentioned it to the doctor, she checked her notes and remarked that my list of complaints was much shorter. She believed I had made both physical and emotional progress in the past month which was encouraging.

We then discussed the achiness in my joints as well as the digestive challenges. She instructed me to have the oncologist do some blood tests including a CBC, Ferratin (Iron storage), Vitamin D, CRP, and SED rate (inflammation levels). According to her experience, patients with low Vitamin D witness pain relief with a dosage of 6,000 I.U.’s per day. She also thought that Carlson’s Blood Nutrients would help alleviate the tiredness I am still feeling, but wanted to test me first before prescribing it. So, my vitamin regime will basically remain the same until the test results are conclusive. Unfortunately, this includes Sweetish Bitters by Gaia, a disgusting-tasting formula which aids digestion.....Ughhh!! I was hoping to ditch the stuff as soon as possible as it tastes horrible. (Or did I say that already?)

On the emotional front, the naturopath prescribed two amino acids, GABA and L-Theanine, to help me through the rough aftermath of the medical protocol. I am amazed how much these two amino acids have helped to restore emotional balance during this process.

Researching Dentists - Saturday, April 10, 2010

2010-04-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

I must admit I have been hesitating starting the process of having the root canal taken out and mercury amalgams replaced. This phase of detoxing has seemed so overwhelming when I think of all that is involved. Apparently, not every dentist is skilled in doing either procedure, and it is therefore important to find one who understands what precautions need to be taken. The idea of researching which dentist and what the precautions are is almost as daunting as the procedures and detoxing afterwards. Thankfully, my friend, Gail, told me of a woman named Carol who has researched the subject thoroughly. I was told she would know what questions to ask a dentist in order to determine his/her qualifications in this area. So, today I called her and was glad I did. She actually has done some extensive research and was able to direct me to two dentists. She said one of them was excellent in removing root canals and the other for removing amalgam fillings. One of the dentists is located a half hour from home, and the other is only ninety minutes away. (Originally, I was directed to a dentist in New York City, so this was good news, indeed.) Carol also cautioned me to have the root canal taken out first, allow time for healing, then have the amalgam fillings removed in stages. All this advice helped me to formulate a battle plan. So, on Monday I will make the appointments. I will be glad to start the process as I believe this will really assist in removing some of the underlying causes of toxicity and expedite the healing process.

Abby Finds A New Home - Tuesday, April 6, 2010

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Abby, the wig, was given a new home today. I had to drive a family member to Bryn Mawr Hospital this morning for a short medical procedure. Since I was in that area, I brought Abby, all her paraphernalia, and my chemo scarves along to donate to Bryn Mawr’s free wig program. Some of the scarves I had never worn, but they can now benefit another woman in need. However, giving Abby away was not as easy as I thought it would be. During my relative’s procedure, I made my way over to the Clothier Building. (It took questioning five different staff members to determine the location.) Then I walked the entire length of the first floor including the dialysis unit. When I could not find the office for the wig program, I went upstairs and walked through the halls of the respiratory program, then through the audit area, then back downstairs again. After one more trip to the dialysis unit a nurse helped me locate the correct room only to find it locked. At that point, it was time to return to check on my relative’s progress. Thankfully, a hospital volunteer called the extension for the wig program, and one of the staff came over to the short procedure unit to pick-up Abby.

As unusual as it sounds, it felt a little strange re-entering my apartment and seeing the place where I used to store Abby now empty. On many occasions, my sister reminded me to be grateful for having a wig that looked so natural. Although I was thankful for Abby’s services, I must admit that I resented having to wear her. I am also extremely glad to have my own hair back even if it is somewhat unruly due to the "chemo curl". Well, Abby, thank you, so long, and I hope you can assist another woman during her time of crisis.

Blessed Wishes - Sunday, April 4, 2010

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Happy Easter (or Resurrection Day, as I prefer to call it) to all of you! May your day be fully blessed as we celebrate the resurrection of our Savior! Many thanks to all of you who have been reading this blog!

Unexpected Benefits - Friday, April 2, 2010

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A couple of months ago I received a phone call from one of the owners of Martindale’s informing me that he was making a double payment for my insurance in the next paycheck. I had no idea what insurance he was referring to so I was a bit confused by the statement. After questioning him at length, I remembered that I had signed up for long-term disability insurance years ago and arranged for the payments to be automatically deducted from each paycheck. Within the policy was a provision for loss of work due to cancer, chemo, and radiation treatments. My boss gave me the number of the insurance company to confirm that I was eligible for these benefits. As it turns out, I am. Of course, there is the lengthy paperwork to be filled out and signed by everyone, including the janitor.:) :) :) Even though I was out of work for a relatively short period, the days lost exceeded two weeks altogether. So I will be receiving some reimbursement for the days I missed including those due to fever. Amazingly enough, the benefits are forfeited one year from the first day missed due to illness and that would have been May 1st. I am grateful to God that my boss took the time to tell me what he was doing or else I would have never remembered I even had a policy and the benefit would have been lost. As it stands I will be regaining at least some lost pay from last year. Thank God!

Opportunity To Learn - Wednesday, March 31, 2010

2010-04-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

An invitation arrived this week for a seminar on cancer given by the Comprehensive Breast Center in Bryn Mawr. It is entitled, " A Recipe For Health." Because my surgeon is involved, I received the invitation. Normally, I would avoid attending that type of function for a number of reasons. However, I noticed one of the talks being given is on organic eating and cancer-fighting/causing foods. Apparently, there is controversy in the traditional medical sector whether or not food can cause or prevent cancer. I am interested in hearing what the latest medical research is regarding this subject. I would also like to establish some relationships with key persons in the medical field. Perhaps I could be a voice for alternative/complimentary medicine since I can directly attest to its benefits. So, I will be attending the event and reporting on what is shared. Hopefully, I can receive some valuable information and/or establish some mutually beneficial contacts.

Fuller Hair - Monday, March 29, 2010

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More progress to report. My sister remarked that my hair now resembles a normal hairstyle rather than regrowth from chemo, although it still has the "chemo kink." Someone at work the other day also said that my hair looked "fuller." I received it as a compliment and was grateful for the feedback. Another item of note is that my fingernails have grown back in and are almost completely normal looking. Due to the Taxotere, they had developed deep ridges. For about six months they were very weak making it difficult to use them for anything due to chronic breakage. At this point, the ridges are barely visible at the tips of some of my fingers and are stronger. The oncologist had said that it was possible they would stay ridged so I am very glad to see they have not.

A Tribute - March 28, 2010

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My former pastor used to say that you should give people their "flowers" while they can still enjoy them. In other words, tell those you love how much you appreciate them when they are alive. Though many have supported me during this time, on the occasion of my sister’s birthday, I want to give her the "flowers" due her.

Shortly after the diagnosis of cancer invaded my life, I had the opportunity to see just what a treasure my sister really is. Someone once said that a crisis reveals what is really inside a person, for it is when we are intensely pressured that the true content within us shines forth. What I have seen in her and experienced because of her has both astounded and amazed me. She has listened every time I cried, encouraged me, prayed for me, and tried to cheer me up when I was determined to be sad. She watched my hair fall out and still told me I was pretty. In short, she saw me at my worst and still stood by me. Not only that, she has also helped me with housework, traveled with me everywhere so I would not be alone, at times surprised me with flowers, rubbed my balding head, helped me financially, etc., etc., etc. The list could go on and on and I would still not be finished. A person like that is worth her weight in gold. If you have anyone like this in your life, show your appreciation for him or her. Since there is no better way to express it, happy birthday, Fran! You are the best!!

Progress - March 24, 2010

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It has been happening without my being conscious of it. Just this week, I noticed that the inflammation which dominated my entire frame has slowly decreased. Instead of feeling like one huge ache from head to toe, the pain is now basically centered in my lower back and all my joints. Believe it or not, that is progress. It is wonderful to be able to bend down and grab a bottle of vitamins from a lower shelf for a customer and not feel like it is taking forever to do so. Thank God!

Attitude Of Gratitude - March 23, 2010

2010-03-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

It was about a week ago that I saw one of our customers who is at present receiving chemo for ovarian cancer. I had the opportunity to help her a couple of months ago following her first treatment. After sharing what supplements helped me during my own protocol, I gave her the number of my naturopath and encouraged her to make an appointment. A month or so passed until the next time I saw her and I immediately noticed she looked better. Her eyes were brighter, and she seemed more energetic. However, last week, she told me that due to having a very low blood count, she had undergone a transfusion the day before. The amazing thing about it was that she did not complain as she related her story. Later that day as I recounted the incident to my sister, I burst into tears thinking about how much she was enduring. I think it is a testimony to her character to experience a challenge that difficult and not complain (even though I feel complaining would have been justified in that instance.) It also caused me to reflect on how grateful I should be for every blessing I have been given in life. As a society, I think we have forgotten, not only how to be thankful, but that we should be. (Please indulge my soapbox rhetoric.) If we took the time to think about it, I am sure we could remember someone who has a harder life than we do. No matter what you are experiencing right now, stop and take a moment to find something to be thankful for even if it is just for the fact that you are still alive. Thankful people are happier and are much easier to be around.

Perfect Timing - Sunday, March 21, 2010

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Have you ever had a "God Moment?" It is a space in time when something unusual or amazing happens and the timing is so precise that it had to be God. I had one such moment today, but first some background information is needed.

For a number of months, I have been planning to host a "thank you" dinner for all the people who have accompanied me to chemo treatments, the doctor’s visits, etc. I wanted to do something special for each person who re-arranged his/her schedule or took time off from work in order to support me. The dinner is to be held at one of my favorite organic restaurants in the area. Planning has progressed steadily. On Friday, I needed to contact Elizabeth, the Events Coordinator, in order to make the final menu decisions. I e-mailed her, left a message on her cell and at the restaurant, all to no avail. I really wanted to complete the planning, but it seemed as though I had to wait until whenever she had time. Well, yesterday, I had a sudden desire to have lunch with my sister at said restaurant, but could not because of a prior appointment. So, we agreed to eat there today. After church, we drove there as planned. There was a twenty-minute wait to be seated, so my sister gave the hostess her cell number to call when our table was ready. We both meandered around the waiting area perusing books until her phone rang. As I made my way toward the dining room, I saw a woman talking on her cell seated at a table in the café area where patrons often enjoy coffee or desserts. As I passed by I heard her say, "Hello, so and so, this is Elizabeth....." I recognized the voice as that of the same Elizabeth who is the Events Coordinator for this restaurant. (We had never met in person, but had talked on the phone several times.) I wheeled around with a look of shock on my face, interrupted her and said, "Are you Elizabeth? I am Joan." "Joan Petrillo?", she asked. I nodded and then asked her to come to my table when she finished her phone conversation. She agreed to do so. To make a long story short, we finished planning the event to my satisfaction. She also gave me a nice break on the price. While we were talking, the waitress brought the bill and my sister busily calculated her portion. She then interrupted us to tell me that she could pay me in cash if I would put the bill on my credit card. At that point, Elizabeth told my sister that the restaurant usually pays for their client's lunch during planning meetings. Though my appointment was spontaneous, they paid for our meal anyway. So, a $25 lunch cost us only the tip. I left the restaurant completely amazed at the timing of the whole thing. You see, Elizabeth does not work on the weekends and only "happened" to be there for about a half an hour today. Had we eaten lunch there yesterday as desired, I would have never met her, nor enjoyed a free meal. All I can say is, God is so good!

The Teeth Factor- Friday, March 19, 2010

2010-03-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, I began the next step in the detox process by calling a dentist in New York City considered to be expert in reversing root canals and removing mercury amalgam fillings. (See my February 9th post on the subject.) Even though this phase feels somewhat daunting to me, I still need to proceed with it. I believe it would be less overwhelming, however, if the dentist were closer in proximity. So, I called the dentist’s office and asked if she knew anyone in my area who could do the job as well as she. I am still waiting. If I do not hear from her office by next week, I will call again. Meanwhile, the liver cleansing and Epsom salts baths continue.

Recovery Means Change - March 9, 2010

2010-03-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

Today was my monthly appointment with the naturopath. As usual, I prepared the night before by compiling a current list of questions and concerns. Only this time, as I drove out of the parking lot, I suddenly realized that I left the paper containing my questions at home. I was already running late, but knew I would never be able to remember what was on the list. So I drove back to the entrance, ran up the three flights of stairs to my apartment again, and searched frantically for the notepad. Fortunately, I found it quickly, then raced back down the three flights of stairs which challenged the inflamed knee I have been nursing. Thankfully, I managed to arrive in one piece at the doctor’s office, albeit a few minutes late.

Much of the appointment was spent dealing with my expectations of recovering at a quicker pace physically as well as emotionally. My thought has been that everyone around me would expect me to be perfectly normal again right after radiation was finished. I have come to realize that the only one who did think that was me. (Everyone else apparently has more sense than I do.) There has also been a concern over how to handle stress now that this challenge has occurred in my life. It obviously calls for learning more positive ways to do so. First, the naturopath had some really simple, yet helpful, suggestions to add to my routine as my digestive system repairs and I regain strength. One was that I chew my food thoroughly. She even instructed me to put my fork down between bites in order to re-train myself. As I said, it may sound simple, but the more we chew our food the less work our bodies have to do in order to digest. This helps to preserve the body’s energy. I must admit that most often I eat too quickly either due to lack of time or because the food tastes so good I cannot wait until the next bite. (Little "piggy" would be the appropriate word to describe the latter.) Second, she recommended some supplements for dealing with stress as well as drinking chamomile tea every night. Chamomile is not only a relaxing tea, but it also aids digestion. The last prescription she gave was permission to rest every day. I have to say that I needed her to say this as it forces me to do so. This seems to be one of the hardest aspects of recovering from such a challenge, at least for me. However, I believe even this can change.

Along the aforementioned lines, I think that one blessing in this challenge of cancer is that it affords the individual the opportunity to really examine his/her life. This is something the average person usually does not do when faced with a lesser threat. In other words, because of the seriousness of the disease, you realize that you arrived at this place by some means. The "means" could be poor diet, unhealthy emotions, stress, grief, chronic lack of rest, environment, heredity, etc, etc. I think that to walk through this kind of crisis and live the same way afterwards is one of the greatest mistakes a person can make. It would actually be a tragedy not to use this experience as a tool for change, because what brought about disease once, except possibly in the case of heredity, can do so again. Hence, my desire to learn how to better handle stress as well as learn to relax more. So, let me encourage all of you who have never faced this challenge, to learn from the life of another. Scrutinize yourselves along these lines, and change whatever is unhealthy. You will be glad in the long run that you took the time.

Busted - Monday, March 8, 2010

2010-03-14T16:02:00.000-07:00

Once the wig came off, I did not want to put it on again for any reason whatsoever. However, there are times when it becomes necessary to do something you dislike for the "greater good". In this case, the "greater good" being deception. When I first received the diagnosis of cancer I did not want to tell anyone, not even some of my immediate family, let alone the relatives. In fact, I waited to tell most of the staff any details until after the operation. It was a very hard thing for me to talk about as I am sure some of you can understand. In regard to my relatives, I did not want to be the next story to discuss although they are not the gossiping kind. A few knew of my challenge because someone in my immediate family told them, but thankfully, they were able to keep a secret. Then came Sunday. My sister and I were to attend the viewing of my cousin’s mother-in-law. I had intended to wear "Abby" in order not to arouse suspicion, but I was lamenting it. At the last minute I asked my sister if she thought I forego wearing the wig and still look "normal." (You know, as if I purposefully had cut my hair really short.) She thought I could, so off we went to the funeral parlor sans "Abby." It was the usual Italian-American viewing, a lot of people talking and laughing loudly. Even if you shout to the person next to you, it is difficult to be heard. I actually prefer this type of wake because people are enjoying each other even though they are grieving. Anyway, everything was going as planned, meaning my relatives seemed to believe I was wearing a newer, shorter "do" on purpose until my cousin, the nurse, walked in the door. In hindsight, I should have left before she arrived as planned and my charade would have been successful. But, no, I had the "gabbies" and wanted to keep chatting with my cousins and aunt. Big mistake. The first thing she said upon seeing me was, "Are you alright?" I was a little puzzled by the remark, but answered that I was fine. She then became distracted by a remark made by someone in line. I mistakenly thought that was the end of it. Later, as I hugged her goodbye, she asked if I had been in the hospital. Well......there was nothing left to do but confess. When I asked her how she knew, she pointed to my hair and then reminded me that she was a nurse of thirty years and was trained to read people. To my surprise, she had worked as an oncology nurse with my surgeon and even named one of her sons after him. At that point, the term "small world" came to mind. One good thing was that she understood my desire that the rest of the family not know what had happened. However, when we left I could not help but lament the fact that I had been "busted."

A Different Feeling - Thursday, March 4, 2010

2010-03-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

Every Thursday our store receives the largest shipment of the week from our main supplier. By just after 6 a.m., the aisles are loaded with boxes of product piled high. The staff then spends the next six to eight hours opening those boxes and re-stocking the shelves as quickly as possible before the store becomes busy with customers. In short, I would know it was Thursday upon walking through the front door even if I did not have access to a calendar. For the last couple of months, I have also known it was Thursday by the intensity of the aches and pains I feel when I get out of bed as they are always the most severe on that day. If you will recall, in an earlier blog I talked about the cycle of detoxing that has evolved recently. Due to that cycle, around the end of the week, which happens to be Thursday, I feel achy. Well, today I managed to avoid that all over achy feeling. I believe it was because I increased the liver cleansing to twice a week per the naturopath’s approval. So, instead of feeling like a truck ran over me, I was actually able to complete one of the busiest days of the week and still remain standing. Thank God for this as it is quite a challenge to keep a hectic pace when your body is not cooperating. By the way, I see the naturopath on Tuesday. Let’s see what is next on the horizon in terms of recovery.

Revealed - Wednesday, March 3, 2010

2010-03-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it today. I went to work without "Abby" the wig. It was one of those quiet decisions you come to in life. I looked at my hair in the mirror this morning and thought I might be able to finally put the wig to rest. So, I pulled out my gel and tried to tame the "chemo curl" that has attacked my head of late. This time, however, I trimmed the hair that kept sticking straight up and put an extra slab of gel on it, then I drove to work. I called Marilyn from the parking lot and asked her to meet me at my car. I thought it would be a good idea to get a second opinion on the matter. God bless Marilyn. She walked outside in the cold without a jacket in order to inspect my hair. She thought it looked short, but left the decision to me. So, I asked her to send Lea out to the parking lot as well. I figured since she is a hairdresser, she would give me an honest opinion. She gave me the "go ahead."

I have walked into the backroom at Martindale’s probably thousands of times over the years feeling a myriad of emotions. This morning was almost indescribable. A little bit of trepidation that people would think I look like a boy rather than a girl, joy over finally being able to walk outside without the wig, etc. But, no matter what feelings I had, it was a moment I will never forget. Most of the staff did a double-take, a few did not seem to notice. Later, I ceremoniously presented "Abby" to Mark, the Sales Manager, as a "reward" for all his hard work at Martindale’s. :) :) :) :) It did not surprise me that he actually put her on his head. To tell you the truth, it was a bit maddening because he looked pretty good wearing her. He reminded me of Paul McCartney circa 1968. People were taking pictures of him. This kind of thing is an unusual event at Martindale’s. One you would want to capture on camera for posterity, or more likely, for bribery at a later date. Then, an amazing thing happened. Mark actually walked out into the store in order to show the staff working on the sales floor his new look. Mike, Chris, and Heather looked at him in shock. I have to say it is a secure man who can do something like that!

All day customers kept asking me if I had gotten my hair cut. Well, not exactly..... Anyway, I am getting used to having such short hair, at least, for now. It is amazing how easy it is to take care of at this length. Even though I still feel that I resemble a guy, a number of people, male and female alike, have remarked that this length looks cute. One last note, I am thinking of donating "Abby" to Bryn Mawr Hospital’s free wig program in order to help another woman undergoing chemo. I am sure "she" will do as good a job for someone else as "she" did for me.

Cleansing Reactions - Friday, February 26, 2010

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One should be aware of some of the "side-effects" of detoxing before embarking down that road. For instance, when toxins leave the organs and enter the bloodstream it can make you feel somewhat sick, depending on how quickly you are detoxing and how much toxicity is present in your body. The symptoms can include feeling feverish, tired, or achy, having headaches, etc. We call this a "healing crisis." Since our skin is one of the largest eliminatory organs we have, any number of things can manifest on its surface during a cleanse. Well, each week I do a liver cleanse, I find a new batch of "eruptions" appear on my face a few days later. It is almost like clockwork. Honestly, I resemble a teenager after a three-week binge on chocolate. The frustrating thing is that, while I was on chemo, my skin looked like china. You would think the opposite would be true, that when you take in toxic substances it looks terrible and when you cleanse your skin looks great. This is definitely not the case. I said it before, and I will say it again...thank God for organic/natural make-up and Burt’s Bees Acne Solutions. They are a life-saver!

Totally Gone - Wednesday, February 24, 2010

2010-02-28T17:25:00.000-08:00

The day of the port removal finally came. Mike, from Martindale’s, drove me to the hospital and sat with me until they called me into the surgery prep room. I had anticipated being put on "twilight" (less anesthesia) in preparation for the procedure, but was told I would only be given a local anesthetic. One of the medical personnel had suggested I ask that the physician give me a plastic surgeon’s stitch so that there would be a fine line scar. Unfortunately, the physician’s assistant said a plastic surgeon would have to remove the port for that to occur. So, there I lay, wide awake, while the same doctor who installed the port removed it. I could feel him sewing my skin together but did not bother to ask for more Lydocane as that would entail being stuck with more needles. Soon, however, I found myself remembering all the medical procedures my body has endured during the last nine months due to the cancer, and I began to cry. Since my arms were wrapped in a blanket like a cocoon making it impossible to wipe the tears away, I had to quickly change that thought process to a different one. Finally, the doctor was finished, and the nurse helped me walk back to the prep room in order to be released. Afterwards, Patty, from the store, drove me home, and I rested for the next five hours in between packing the area with ice. Then I went to work for a couple of hours because the nurse said it would be okay to do so. The best part of the whole day, besides the port being removed, was that my sister made her world-famous chicken and home-made stuffing dinner for me. Great comfort food to celebrate a momentous occasion.

Out Of Steam Again - Tuesday, February 23, 2010

2010-02-28T17:21:00.000-08:00

This "needing to rest" phase is definitely interfering with my life. I have a wonderful chocolate cake recipe made with prunes that I wanted to make this morning. (Yes, you read correctly, with prunes, and believe it or not, everyone who has eaten it loved it!) So, while I prepared the cake, I simultaneously cooked the sausages in diced tomatoes and wine portion of the dinner we were having tonight and juiced my daily vegetable drink. Then, it was off to the living room to exercise. All went well until about ten o’clock when, suddenly, it felt like all the energy I had was completely used up, and I was left feeling exhausted. It would not have been a problem if I did not have to go to work shortly thereafter and put in a seven-hour day. It was definitely not a good time to realize there was not going to be a "second wind." So, I did the only thing a girl can do in that situation. I slowed down my pace and prayed, "Dear God, please help me make it through the rest of this day!" Thankfully, I did. But I learned one more time what not to do, at least at this stage of the game, when inspired with too many ideas at once.

Almost - Monday, February 22, 2010

2010-02-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I almost did it. After getting my newfound hair trimmed on Sunday, I was determined to go to work sans "Abby" Monday morning. I actually pulled out the "ole hair dryer" and gel and used them again for the first time in six months. Unfortunately, try as I may, the "chemo curl" that has overtaken my hair at the moment refused taming. Even though strands of wavy hair belligerently stood straight up on my head, I was still intent on leaving "Abby" home. However, at the last moment, I was attacked by insecurity, chickened out, marched back into my bathroom, and put "Abby" on before leaving. Who knows, maybe in another two weeks.....

Helpful Hints - Friday, February 19, 2010

2010-02-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

I thought it might be appropriate at this part of the journey to share what has been helpful to me along the way. The diet the naturopath recommended included organic chicken or turkey twice a week and two slices of cheese along with organic fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. In addition, good fats like avocados, olive oil, nuts, and seeds were permitted. I know being on this type of diet reduced the amount of inflammation caused by the chemo, even though two slices of cheese per week is almost unbearable for an Italian.

As far as the supplements are concerned, taking digestive and pancreatic enzymes, betaine HCL, l-glutamine, and omega 7 were the most important supports to my digestive system. CoQ10, green tea, and B-complex increased my stamina. I took an adrenal complex to support that system. Ashwaghanda aided the effects of the chemo and helped me sleep at night. I discovered that ginger relieved the mysterious stomach pains I encountered on occasion. Turmeric and Zyflamend have helped reduce the inflammation. (Turmeric has anti-cancer, anti-tumor, and anti-inflammatory properties.) Umeboshi plum paste kept me from getting nauseous after the chemo treatments. The reason is that it is very alkalizing, so it helped to balance the acidifying effects of the chemo. There are a number of other supplements I have taken which were specific to the protocol I followed that I will not take the time to mention. Lastly, I believe that exercise, juicing daily, and most of all, the scriptures were essential to facing this trial successfully. Wait a minute. How could I forget organic/natural makeup? That was a must for me! I really hope this list provides some ideas for others who are facing cancer also.

The Kramer Look - Wednesday, February 17, 2010

2010-02-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

It has been silently occurring for some time right under my nose, or rather, under "Abby’s" (the wig) nylon net. Have you guessed yet? You are right. My hair has been growing all this time. The amazing thing is how many different looks I have had since this whole process began on the fourteenth day after the first chemo treatment. First, there was the "Biker chic" look. If you will recall, I mentioned that my hair gradually turned an ever brighter shade of orange after using henna instead of the Naturtint I was accustomed to applying. Then, it morphed into the "Uncle Fester" look, sans lightbulb. After that, I resembled Pope Pius XII, without the wire-rimmed glasses. When my hair started the regrowth process, I suddenly found myself looking like my brother, Rob. Do not misunderstand me. He is a good looking guy. It is just that I did not enjoy looking EXACTLY like him. I think there should have been at least some distinction. Now, as I am nearing the final phase, meaning the remaining period of time before I rid myself of Abby forever, I find myself looking rather oddly like Kramer from Seinfeld. I have only watched that show once. It was not that impressive to me, but his hair was unforgettable. Anyway, a strange phenomenon occurs each night while I sleep. When I awake each morning, the hair that did not fall out from chemo is standing straight up in the form of a triangle, transforming me into a Kramer look-a-like. Thank God, no one but my sister sees it. It is rather unsettling to view. Thank God, also for a spray bottle and a comb. After a moment or two the tuft is tame again until it gets smashed underneath the nylon cap that Abby sits on. This weekend I plan to have the hairdresser trim those unruly hairs and perhaps in a few short weeks I can do without Abby’s services forever.

Finally De-Ported - Tuesday, February 16, 2010

2010-02-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well, it is now a confirmed fact. The port will be removed next Wednesday, February 24th. I can hardly wait to stop living like a "Borg" and start wearing the other half of my wardrobe again. Let me explain. The port is imbedded in the upper left side of my chest. Because I am somewhat thin, the device is visible through my skin. You can actually see the three raised segments on its surface. Then there is the "lovely" thick, red scar above it where the incision was made. Numerous times I put on a dress, sweater, or a shirt, not low-cut at all, only to have to take it off at the last minute and search for something else to wear because the port was visible. So, it became a ritual to check whether or not the port could be seen when deciding what to wear. And forget about a bathing suit. That was a definite "no", unless I was willing to wear a wool scarf around my neck in 90 degree weather. So you can understand my excitement over joining the world of fashionistas again.

By the way, I am grateful for the port as I have been told horror stories about how chemo closes the veins of patients and burns their skin during treatment. Still, it will be nice to look normal again, even if only to myself.

Exhaustion - Monday, February 15, 2010

2010-02-20T19:30:00.000-08:00

The cycle has begun again. This morning the achiness was better. The only problem was that I felt so tired it took the grace of God and all the discipline within me to get up off the couch. So I moved as quickly as I could, which was the speed of a turtle, and went to work. Fortunately, after about three or four hours, my energy picked up and I was actually able to finish the day without falling asleep at my desk. No matter how many times the doctors told me the effects of chemo would be cumulative, I am still shocked that only now am I feeling so much. It also seems strange that my body is dictating to me and not the other way around.

A New Phase - February 9, 2010

2010-02-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

I met with the naturopath this morning and, as usual, had my list of questions ready ahead of time. She gave me an "after chemo" supplement regimen and the next steps for what I call "after care." I must admit after taking so many supplements for the past nine months just to survive the cancer, chemo, and radiation, this new protocol seems as though it is not complete enough to adequately protect me. However, I realize the doctor knows what she is doing. So, the plan is to have the port removed first, then reverse the root canal, then do another round of detoxing. At this point, I do not remember if I ever mentioned my root canal before. According to Dr. Mercola’s research, (a well-known alternative doctor) root canals can be one of the causes of cancer. The reason being the chronic infection that occurs under the root places a constant burden on the immune system. I know there is more science behind this, but quite frankly, right now I cannot remember it all. If you would like to know more, I suggest you check out his website. I believe he has written more than one article on the subject. Since I had a root canal about fifteen years ago and just finished a bout with cancer, I would rather be safe than sorry in this regard. By the way, remember my theory about the cycle of achiness? Well, she said my thinking was correct. It would be wonderful if cleansing produced an ever increasing feeling of health and energy. However, it is more of a "feel better, then worse, then better again" experience. One last thing she suggested was to rest more as it is very healing. I know I need to because I find myself experiencing sudden periods of tiredness nowadays. The problem is there are so many things I want to do now that the medical treatment is finished that it is difficult to fit resting into my schedule. Unfortunately, I guess I do not have a choice in the matter.

A New Cycle - February 8, 2010

2010-02-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to notice a cyclic pattern in regard to the liver cleansing. A day or two afterward, there is a noticeable difference in the level of achiness/inflammation I feel upon awakening and throughout the day. Since I do the cleansing on Saturdays, I wake up Monday morning feeling better. By Friday, however, the achiness has increased significantly, but it is never as pronounced as the previous week. Before the cleanse on Saturday it becomes worse. Then the cycle starts all over again. I have a theory about it that I want to present to the naturopath. (My monthly appointment is tomorrow.) The theory is that after the liver makes a "dump", it is then able to take on a new level of detoxification. So, the organs, and wherever else toxins are hiding, give up their "sludge" making the patient, namely me, feel lousy all over again. Only the next time there is that much less "sludge" to detox. Hence, the pain is less. We will see if the theory is correct or one of Joan’s fantasies.

Celebration Dinner - Sunday, February 7, 2010

2010-02-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

The snow did not stop some of the staff from celebrating the end of radiation with me today at a local restaurant. To my surprise, my pastors, who were on their way to speak at a local congregation, stopped by the restaurant to bring me flowers, balloons, and a card. Even though they could not stay, it was wonderful to have them spend a few moments with us. The company was pleasant, the food was great, and a good time was had by all. In short, it was a nice finishing touch to a grueling nine and a half months.

A Kind Act - Saturday, February 6, 2010

2010-02-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

It’s snowing outside as you all well know, which besides the incredible beauty, means shoveling. The last big snowstorm was difficult for me because it occurred in the middle of my radiation protocol. In our apartment complex, the parking lot is plowed by a crew, but the plow always dumps a pile of snow in the back of each car. So, even though I am thankful not to shovel a driveway, the task of digging out a car when you are physically challenged can be rather daunting, especially when the snow is deep. This time, I was dreading it even more, because of the increased achiness. So I asked God that, if possible, I would not have to do any shoveling today. How that would happen, I did not know, but that was not my problem to solve. Anyway my sister went down to the parking lot about a half hour or so before I did. Her intention was to dig out my car as well as hers. But when she saw how much snow was on both the cars, she prayed a similar type prayer. Well, soon after she began shoveling a man offered to help her. As men do, he shoveled down to the pavement, in other words, a perfect job. She called me from the parking lot to bring money downstairs to pay him, but he would not accept it. By the time I did go downstairs, there was nothing left to do. Thank God!

On another note, today I was able to take my eyelash curler out, dust it off, and use it because my eyelashes have grown long enough to curl. Yeah!!!

Taking The Morning Off - Thursday, February 4, 2010

2010-02-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

I decided to take the morning off today. To be honest, as I have neared the end of the radiation treatments, I have grown increasingly weary. I can almost imagine what a soldier would feel like after many months of being "hyper-vigilant." The need to steel myself emotionally against the trauma surrounding the diagnosis, chemo, and radiation, and still remain focused, has taken its toll on me. It feels like I have been living inside a whirlwind, or been on a merry-go-round, for the past nine and a half months. Then, suddenly, the whirlwind ceased or the merry-go-round stopped, leaving me dizzy and tired. I realized I really needed some time to be alone in order to regroup. In fact, I think the one thing I would have done differently in the last nine and a half months would have been to rest more. Unfortunately, I was so determined not to allow this crisis to change my life as radically as it was capable of doing that I made every effort to maintain life as usual. In the long run it was probably not the best decision. I really did not have to prove myself to anyone. So today I found myself not wanting to have to care about anyone or anything. It was a new feeling and one that, I am sure, will pass with time, but it was strong nonetheless. The problem was that I really should not have gone to work at all today, because as soon as I walked through those doors, I had to care about everything happening around me no matter how I felt inside. Thank God for His grace at a time like this.

Last Treatment - February 3, 2010

2010-02-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

This is the last day of radiation. Hallelujah!!! On the way to the hospital I kept thinking that this would be the last time I had to drive to this appointment and how I would not miss it. Amazingly enough, today the technicians were on time. Usually on Wednesdays, I have had to wait while they tended to other patients. But today, the appointment went very quickly. When anyone finishes a round of radiation, he or she is invited to ring a bell attached to a wall in the radiation area signaling completion of the protocol. So, when I was finished, the technicians invited me to do so as they gathered around. I reached for the rope and instinctively lifted it upward in order to ring it. (At least, that is the way the bell worked that my mom used to call us to dinner with when we were children.) However, in this case, the rope fell off in my hands. The Supervisor of Radiation then politely informed me that the bell should be rung from side to side instead of up and down. Figures.....Well, I rang it ceremoniously while they applauded. Then I received a Certificate of Merit for completing the program.

As I left the building, I called my sister, who happened to be away from her desk, and yelled, "I’m done! I’m done! I’m done!" into the phone. Then I called one of my best friends and did the same thing, this time with tears of relief. Upon entering work, someone asked me how I felt. I could only respond by saying that I had a myriad of emotions. Actually, I think that is an understatement. I felt joy, relief, weariness, and confusion among other things. A few minutes later, I discovered a card had been left on my desk by Marilyn. Inside she had glued a picture of the three men in the burning fiery furnace with the Lord (from the book of Daniel) along with the words from Daniel 3:27. (See July 10, 2009 Blog) That is the scripture I have been reading every day for months, because it states that the three men came out of the fire without their hair singed, their garments burned or even smelling like smoke. She then wrote, "Your faith has set you free!" That card so touched me, that again, I started sobbing. It was such a true statement. Being on the other end of this trial, I can now truly say that God has been faithful. After work, my sister and I went out to dinner and, during the meal, toasted my health with glasses of iced tea, of course.

Invitation - February 2, 2010

2010-02-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

Mike approached me in the vitamin aisle at the store this afternoon with a surprising proposal. He told me that he and some of the people at work wanted to have a dinner party commemorating the end of my medical treatment. His thoughtfulness and phenomenal support touched me so deeply that I burst into tears. Of course, lately it has not taken much to make me emotional. Anyway, a group of us plan to meet at a local restaurant this Sunday in order to celebrate the occasion.

Feeling Younger - February 1, 2010

2010-02-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling about 78 years old instead of 80. In other words, I felt a little less achy than about a week ago. It does not sound like much, but, at this point, any improvement is welcome. Many thanks to Epsom salts and liver detoxes.

Change Of Plan - Thursday, January 28, 2010

2010-01-31T19:01:00.000-08:00

This morning I received the phone call I have been waiting for these past six weeks. It was the Supervisor of Radiology, Rodel, calling to say the radiation machine was broken. I tried to hide my glee and sound concerned. He asked if I wanted to cancel for today, but that would postpone my last day of treatment. It was a thought I did not want to entertain. So, we agreed that he would call as soon as the machine was fixed, which turned out to be about eleven o’clock. We rescheduled for 12:15 p.m. However, the strangest thing happened en route. It sounded like a rock hit underneath the car a couple of times. Then the muffler began sounding as if it had become disconnected. I wondered if the car was going to make it to my appointment. Thankfully, it did. Upon my return to work, I dropped the car off at the mechanic’s on the corner. About two hours later, I had a $258 car bill. According to the mechanic, something hit the oxygenator sensor connected to the catalytic converter and knocked it out of position. Because it was dangling from the car and being dragged along the street for five miles, it was completely destroyed and had to be replaced. I guess I won’t be happy if the radiation machine breaks down again as that was the most expensive appointment I have had to date. Twenty-nine treatments down, four to go.

Six Month Checkup - Wednesday, January 27, 2010

2010-01-31T18:56:00.000-08:00

Today was my six-month checkup with the surgeon. (I cannot believe it has already been six months since the operation, but it has.) So, after my radiation treatment, a dear friend accompanied me to see the surgeon. As soon as I saw this doctor again, I was reminded why I wanted to adopt him as a dad. He has such an amazing bedside manner. It still impresses me. Anyway, after the exam, we talked. He asked what supplements I was taking. As usual, when asked that question my mind seemed to go blank, and I struggled to remember all of them. He smiled and waited patiently while I tried to list them. Finally, I offered to bring him a copy the next time I saw him as the list will change when radiation is finished. During the appointment, he told me several times that he thought I was doing great and that I looked great. (It was nice to hear that, even if only from a clinical standpoint.) He also said that he wanted to see me in six months in order to decide what kind of follow-up plan he wants to pursue, whether mammograms only, or mammograms accompanied by MRI’s. At that point, I said that I would rather use thermograms as a means of aftercare. (They are less toxic to the body then mammograms or MRI’s.) He smiled knowingly as if to say, "I expected you would try to avoid a mammogram." Then he explained that the Comprehensive Breast Center was not set-up to use thermography. However, they could use infrared testing, only it would have to be in conjunction with mammograms and/or MRI’s. He explained that my score on the infrared test was a "three" the last time. The score he wanted me to have was "zero." When I reminded him that the test was performed before my operation, he smiled again and reiterated that my score still should have been a "zero." So, I am certain he will be recommending, at the least, mammograms as a follow-up procedure when I see him in six months.

One other thing he mentioned that I found surprising was that he felt I came through the TC (Taxotere/Cytoxan) chemo treatment very well. In his opinion, it was a tough protocol. I was under the assumption that the AC (Adriamycyn/Taxol/Cytoxan) treatment was much more difficult, so it somewhat jarred me when he made that statement. I had not realized how tough he thought the TC was. As we parted, he gave me a fatherly hug and said again how great I was doing. I wonder if I really could adopt him. :) :) :)

Self-Doubt - Tuesday, January 26, 2010

2010-01-31T18:47:00.000-08:00

We frequently receive phone calls at Martindale’s inquiring about our products. Sometimes the callers request recommendations about which ones would provide the best support for specific conditions. I handled one such phone call last week regarding which formula would provide the best support for inflammation. Sometimes after sharing my product knowledge with customers, I like to confer with our Sales Manager, Mark Stayton, in order to gain his viewpoint. After this particular conversation, I asked Mark what he thought would be a really good support formula in that type of situation. In the course of our discussion, he reminded me that Wobenzym, one of the original enzyme formulas ever made, is used as a cancer protocol in Europe. According to his research, it is used in high dosages in a number of clinics along with wheatgrass juice, raw food and other natural therapies. That was all I needed to hear to make my mind start questioning my treatment decisions again. It is as if a whirlwind of thoughts forms in my brain. This is still an emotional subject for me in that I wonder if there was some way I could have avoided the operation and chemotherapy. The questions revolve around and around. "Maybe I should have taken a different approach. Maybe if I had taken another set of products like Graviola or Maitake and Proteolytic enzymes instead of what I did take the outcome would have been different." I found myself choking back tears at the thought that, perhaps, I would not be dealing with the things I am facing if I could have done more research at the time. The problem was that when a diagnosis like cancer comes you feel so overwhelmed that thinking becomes a chore. I do not know if Mark read the look on my face. But a moment passed, then he turned back to me and added that, in the case of aggressive tumors, some type of medical intervention is necessary; namely, an operation or chemo. I breathed a sigh of relief because the tumor I had was very aggressive. The original surgeon told me emphatically that the size tumor I had, which had grown in less than ten months, usually took five years to form. I guess I need to keep trusting that God really was guiding me and will continue to do so.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel - Friday, January 22, 2010

2010-01-23T19:35:00.000-08:00

Today’s radiation appointment was a banner one. This marked my twenty-fifth treatment. The significance of this is that the whole area treatments are finished, and beginning next week, only the surgical site will be radiated for eight days. Then the medical protocol will be complete. Both the supervisor and the technician assured me that I was now permitted to remove the three oval plastic stickers that have been stuck to my skin for the past five and a half weeks. (They served as markers for the laser beams.) I am also allowed to wash off all the purple "dot-dash" marks on my skin. I waited until I entered the dressing room and proceeded to rip those stickers off and throw them in the trash can. It made me feel like doing a somersault, although I managed to keep my dignity and not do so. I have to say, it was a great feeling. Twenty-five treatments down, eight to go.

More Progress - Thursday, January 21, 2010

2010-01-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided not to put the ace bandage on my knee. I thought I would see if I could work all day without it. I lasted almost until the end of the day before the pain returned. I also noticed I was able to walk down the three flights of stairs in my apartment building this morning (we have no elevator) without pain. That is definitely an encouraging sign. So I will continue the Epsom salts baths and skin brushing.

An Ugly Burn Mark - Wednesday, January 20, 2010

2010-01-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

The burn mark is, as expected, looking worse these days. The skin looks just like charred flesh under my arm. An unusual thing started happening recently regarding it as well. Every time I applied the aloe gel, I noticed that it would run down my side like water. I kept wondering if the bottle needed to be shaken so I would do so then re-apply some, only to observe the same results. It finally dawned on me that my skin is so burnt that the gel is unable to soak into the tissues. So I have to apply less and keep massaging it into the skin until it becomes soft enough not to run off the surface like water. It amazes me that it still does not hurt, but I am so thankful for this. I am suspicious that it is due to the two different beta glucan supplements I have been taking that help protect the body from the negative effects of radiation. However, I will need to confirm that with the naturopath the next time I see her.

More Tattoos - Tuesday, January 19, 2010

2010-01-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

If I had to describe my radiation appointment today, I would have compared it to a beehive. There I lay on the strange table that moves up and down trying to get through what has been my daily routine of late. As I lay there, it seemed like the entire radiology team swarmed about me measuring places on my skin, maneuvering the table, positioning and re-positioning the massive radiation machine, etc. Then, several of them hovered over me painting strange marks on my skin with that lovely toxic green paint that I have become so fond of. (That is tongue in cheek, of course.) Finally, one of the technicians told me that the radiologist would have to confirm that the new marks on my skin lined up perfectly with the radiology equipment. So, in he came, inspecting everything and, thankfully, approving their work lest I would have to lie there even longer. So, at this point, I think I will adopt the nickname "Biker Babe" because I have about as many tattoos, albeit temporary, to warrant that title and I also own the mandatory leather jacket. Twenty-two treatments down, eleven to go.

The Fountain Of Youth - Friday, January 15, 2010

2010-01-23T19:22:00.001-08:00

I started incorporating the Epsom salts baths and skin brushing Tuesday evening into my daily routine. At least I have been attempting to make it a daily routine. Sometimes life's obligations interfere with the ability to be consistent. Nonetheless, I have been able to do several rounds of each. Interestingly enough, very early this morning, while still in a semi-conscious state, I noticed that my elbows were not achy. That may not seem like anything noteworthy to someone else, but to me, it was a sign of progress in the battle against inflammation. However, the rest of my body was a different story. But the good news is that, as I got out of bed today, instead of feeling 86 years old, I only felt eighty. Perhaps the fountain of youth is not so much related to age-reversal as it is to anti-inflammation.

What A Relief - January 14, 2010

2010-01-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

Today was my weekly visit with both the doctor and the nurse. After each examined the area being radiated, they both concluded I was doing “very well.” Since there is a several inches in diameter burn mark under my right armpit, I asked if either of them actually looked at the burn. Both of them responded that in comparison to the other patients, mine looked really good. I guess that is something to be grateful for, in addition to the fact that it still does not hurt.

Emotional help arrived today in the form of a couple named Bill and MaryLou, who are dear customers of Martindale’s. Each of them has experienced cancer in years past. As soon as I saw MaryLou, I described what I had been feeling for a while and asked her if she had ever felt the same. She explained that she had not needed radiation, but that her husband Bill had, and that he had been depressed during it. So, I asked Bill about his experience and was grateful for his honesty. I do not know how to describe what a weight was lifted from me when I heard that he had the same challenges. There is something about hearing when another person has faced the same difficulty and overcome it that really helps. It was then that I actually did feel normal, at least, for the present situation.

True Confessions - January 13, 2010

2010-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today was rough emotionally, to say the least. I think I would have cried if someone told me I had brown eyes, which, by the way, I do. Meaning, I was really feeling sensitive about everything. Sometimes, it is difficult to hide it. Today, it was impossible to do so, which made me feel even worse. So, I cried quite a bit throughout the day. Then I beat myself over the head emotionally for good measure, because, hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. By nighttime, I was thoroughly exhausted by the emotional overdrive I was experiencing compounded by bewilderment over my own state of mind. So, I prayed to the Lord that if He could do anything with me, I was giving Him permission to do so. By that time, it was about all I could do.

Monthly Appointment - January 12, 2010

2010-01-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

Today, I had my monthly appointment with the naturopath. I had so many questions to ask that I was a little concerned there would not be enough time to ask all of them. Thankfully, we did manage to cover everything. As she examined my most recent bloodwork, she concluded that my digestive system was still showing the need for repair. As a matter of fact, according to her, a good number of the physical symptoms I have been experiencing related directly back to my digestive system. She also thought the chiropractor’s suggestion regarding Epsom salts baths and skin brushing were appropriate forms of detoxing at this point in the protocol. So she gave me instructions regarding how to incorporate them into my present regime. Apparently, Epsom salts baths are especially good for achy joints and/or inflammation.

We also discussed the radiologist’s concern over the 2000 mg. of Vitamin C and the 800 IU. of Vitamin E I am taking per day. The naturopath said she was aware that might pose a problem to him, and why it would, but that she still believed these dosages would be fine for me to take during radiation. Lastly, I told her about the unusual changes in mood I have been experiencing ever since I began radiation. I have been wondering about myself because of how hard this part of the protocol has been on my emotions. It especially concerned me because the radiologist told me his patients regularly reported that his treatment was a “piece of cake” compared to chemo. This has definitely not been the case for me. As far as my emotions are concerned, it has been much more taxing and I have not been able to figure out why. Some days, part of me wants to scream at the people around me, “Do you understand how hard what I am dealing with is? Leave me alone!” I have especially wanted to say this whenever anyone comes to me with a problem he or she expects me to fix. The strange thing is that the other part of me feels that person’s problem is important and really does want to help him or her. Thankfully, the naturopath could empathize with what I was feeling. She reminded me that this diagnosis is probably one of the hardest things I will ever face and that no one could understand what it feels like unless he or she faces it personally. Sometimes I really need this drummed into my head so I stop demanding so much of myself. (Actually, it is a voice from my childhood that tells me I am not allowed to have a problem, but that is for another blog on another day.) So, based on this, she prescribed an herbal combination to assist with these feelings and another formula to help me go through the current detoxing process easier. At that point, I asked her how I was doing in comparison to the rest of her patients. She said, physically-speaking, I was doing much better than most. However, in terms of my emotions, I registered in the middle compared to the rest of her clients. She also said the emotional ups and downs I have been feeling were pretty normal for this situation. That made me feel a little better, but not for long. The last question I had was about how much time the process would take to finish detoxing from the chemo, radiation, etc. Her estimate was the same as my guess – about a year.

The Achiness Continues - Sunday, January 10, 2009

2010-01-10T18:20:00.000-08:00

It feels like the achiness is becoming more pronounced, especially during the morning hours. Sometimes I feel like I have aged about thirty years in a couple of weeks. What puzzles me so deeply is that this side-effect to the chemo has only appeared in the last few weeks. I would have assumed, if anything, that I would start feeling this way immediately after the treatments ended, not two months later. All the more reason for me to continue with the process of detoxing my liver each weekend.

On Friday, the chiropractor suggested adding hot baths with Epsom salts as well as using a dry brush in addition to the liver detoxing. The Epsom salts draw toxins to the surface of the skin, which is, by the way, a major eliminatory organ. Dry brushing stimulates the lymph nodes and helps move toxins out of the colon. I have an appointment with the naturopath on Tuesday and will be discussing incorporating both these suggestions into my daily routine. Sometimes it seems a little overwhelming. However, in this case, the alternative, chronic achiness, even if it is temporary, is something I am unwilling to accept.

Weekly Report- Saturday, January 9, 2009

2010-01-10T18:16:00.000-08:00

Each Thursday the radiologist and the nurse check my progress. This week, after examining me, they both said I was doing well. I was grateful to hear it. During her examination, the nurse asked if I had any pain in the area being treated. At this point, I do not, but I mentioned feeling achy all over. She made no comment. After the radiologist performed his exam, he said that I would probably only see some minor side-effects toward the end of the treatment time. More news for which to be grateful. However, today I noticed a burn mark under my right arm, the area where people commonly see such side-effects. Thankfully, it looks worse than it feels. Fifteen treatments down, eighteen to go.

The Aftermath Of Chemo - Friday, January 1, 2010

2010-01-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

I feel like one big ache from head to foot. For the past couple of weeks, I have been wearing an ace bandage around my right knee, which I injured while innocently making my bed the weekend before my fourth chemo treatment. Because I contracted a fever soon afterward, it was two weeks before the chiropractor could adjust it. It seemed to get better with treatment, but not completely. Walking seven hours a day on sometimes uneven pavements as well as up and down stairs in Rome only exacerbated the problem. As a result, kneeling and climbing stairs have been challenging. Someone who had cancer a number of years ago once told me that for a year after chemo, she felt achy all over her body. I have been feeling the same way. That sparked my thinking. I wondered if chemo causes inflammation, which would lie at the root of the pain in my knee and possibly be the reason for the slow progress in healing. I thought that it would be a better course of action to address the underlying inflammation rather than only trying to manage the symptoms. I talked to the naturopath about it, and she confirmed the fact that I am, indeed, inflamed due to the chemo. She believed I was less so due to the diet I have been following, but nonetheless, still inflamed. So she instructed me to take Zyflamend and to put heat and cold on my knee several times in succession as often as I needed. (The heat, then cold, forces blood into the traumatized area, which induces healing.) She also reminded me to drink even more water than I normally would because of the inflammation. During my last appointment, the naturopath had also told me I could begin detoxifying my liver once a week. So I started doing that a few weeks ago. My thinking, and the naturopath agrees, is that if I can take some of the burden off my liver, my body will be able to heal faster.

All of the above brings me to another subject. At this point I want to encourage everyone reading this blog to be active as well as proactive in your health. Study all you can about nutrition and health. Do not be afraid to ask questions and keep asking them until you find the right answers. You are the only one who lives in your body, so you reap the benefit or pay the consequences of your choices. Think about HOW you want to enter your senior years, either healthy or sickly, and act accordingly. I do not believe anyone can afford to be passive when it comes to his or her health. I began making as many right choices as I knew to make a number of years ago. Who knows if I would not have been attacked with cancer at a much earlier age if I had not. (As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, my sister was diagnosed with invasive cancer at thirty and died at thirty-five years old.) Anyway, I have actively participated in this entire process from the beginning until now and will continue to do so. I considered what the doctors advised, consulted with the naturopath as well as other practitioners and utilized my own learning. I simply urge all of you to do the same thing -- take charge of your own health. During a health seminar, a doctor told a group of us that it is not a physician’s job to fix people. He was correct. No doctor or practitioner can force anyone to eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, avoid destructive relationships, deal with their emotional issues, etc. Any and all of the aforementioned can contribute to disease. If that is the case, then we must take responsibility for our own choices and seek God’s guidance in making them. Well, I guess I will get off my soapbox now and go take a nap before dinner. Thank you for reading. I hope it ignites your thinking.

Side Effects - Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010-01-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, I noticed a redness on my chest in the area being radiated. Among other symptoms, the doctor told me that some of the side effects of radiation could be localized redness or rash. By morning, it disappeared. The technicians told me people commonly report this reaction. Regardless, it looked ugly, but thankfully, did not hurt. Ten down, twenty-three treatments to go.

New Life - Saturday, December 26, 2009

2009-12-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

I am finally seeing some signs of regeneration. While in Rome, the rest of my eyelashes fell out, except for three on my right eyelid. It was really disheartening because it now necessitates the use of eyeliner above my eyes, something I never had to do before. I finally understand why the oncologist said he could not guarantee my eyelashes would remain intact, even if I still had them after four chemo treatments. On the bright side, however, new eyelashes have formed and are now about half grown. My hair, the new growth, is at this point about a half inch long all over my head. I was hoping to wear it "spiked" for Christmas, somewhat like a punk rocker, but it is still too short. So I guess I will have to wait, at least another month or two before I stop using "Abby", the wig. I told my chiropractor I was planning to ditch her in the river. Seriously though, I actually plan to donate her to the Bryn Mawr Hospital free wig program. Although, I wonder if Mark Stayton, the Sales Manager, might be interested in using her for awhile. She could keep his head warm during this cold weather. :) :) :) :) :)

Christmas Day - Friday, December 25, 2009

2009-12-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

A Merry Christmas to all of you who have been reading this blog. May you have a blessed and joy-filled day. Thank you so much for your support. I truly appreciate it. Yesterday, I finished my sixth radiation treatment. Six down and only twenty-seven left to go. Do I sound eager to be finished??

A Visit With The Radiologist - Thursday, December 24, 2009

2009-12-27T18:51:00.000-08:00

Today, I saw the radiologist for the first time during treatment. I had given him my list of supplements to take during radiation as per his request. Thankfully, the only concern he had was over the 2000 mg. of Vitamin C and 800 I.U. of Vitamin E I am taking during the treatments. He reiterated that there is no proof that these supplements, being antioxidants, will hinder the effects of radiation. However, he still felt it necessary to mention to me that the possibility does exist. Then he said he would leave the decision in my hands. I promised I would talk it over with the naturopath, which I hope to do this week. I also need current bloodwork to determine if my digestive system is repaired to the point of absorbing B vitamins again. One more thing to think about in a list of many.

First Day - Thursday, December 17, 2009

2009-12-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

The first day of radiation was now feeling like a real trial to me because of my experiences the previous two days. I really had not expected it to be such a problem. So, I asked my sister to pray for me in the morning, then also called my former pastor for prayer. (He is one of the three people in my life who I can call that early.) I tried to pace myself while preparing for the appointment so that I could figure out the new schedule radiation will require. Well, I managed to make it, and on time. The whole process takes twenty minutes, at most, from the time I arrive at the hospital until the moment I get back in my car. As I was leaving the room where radiation is given, I asked the supervisor about the tattoos. He said that whenever I was ready I should inform him and then he would apply them. At that point, I thought perhaps I would be ready after about six and a half weeks. :):):) I would really like to avoid the process altogether and just keep applying the temporary markers until radiation is finished. Anyway, one treatment down, only thirty-two to go.

Mini Meltdown - Wednesday, December 16, 2009

2009-12-19T16:31:00.000-08:00

Facing this process of radiation has been making me feel as though I have been emotionally catapulted back to July when I was deciding whether or not to do chemo. Today, as I entered the room to be set-up for radiation, the supervisor told me he was going to insist that I allow them to put the permanent marks on my chest as a guide for the machine. I was already feeling unnerved by the whole process, so his statement did not help at all. As I lay on the table with the two technicians and the supervisor pouring over my skin drawing dots and dashes with different colors, and measuring me, the feelings of being pushed to the wall intensified. I was caught between allowing them to have their way and saying, "People, this is my body and I do not want any more permanent marks on my flesh. Thank you very much." Finally, I was weary enough to acquiesce, when they started brushing green toxic paint on my skin. They told me to think about it overnight and let them know my decision the next day. It was then that I lost my composure in front of them and started crying. After apologizing profusely, I explained that it was my birthday and this simply was not the way I wanted to spend it. Then I left and continued crying all the way to work. When I entered the backroom of the store, I could not talk to anyone, but walked straight to my office and fell apart again. Marilyn, ever the mother hen at Martindale’s, marched into my office and asked me how I was. So, I fell apart once more and explained what happened. I was also embarrassed over having cried in front of perfect strangers. Interestingly enough, she seemed to think that the technicians see that sort of emotion displayed often and that, if I did not want permanent marks, I should remain firm in my decision. I still felt badly, but managed to rally emotionally and have a fairly happy birthday after all.

Foul Up - Tuesday, December 15, 2009

2009-12-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I blew it today. I thought the "dry run" time for the radiation equipment was 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, so I acted accordingly. However, when I arrived at Bryn Mawr, the supervisor told me my appointment was actually 8:45 a.m. Sure enough, when I checked my appointment book, he was correct. That really upset me because I am so diligent about appointments and especially since it was only the second time I met with these people. I did not want to be a problem from the start. Because the scheduling for radiation is so tight, he could not re-arrange his day in order to fit me in. So...the set-up time was re-scheduled for December 16th, which means I will not start radiation until December 17th. I really felt like a dope, but there was nothing I could do to change it and it certainly was not done purposefully. Still, I left there crying and feeling horrible about the whole incident. I called my sister as well as my best friend who prayed with me, but I still felt terrible. I thought it was because I had messed up the doctor and supervisor’s schedules, but my friend was insistent that I was upset because of having to do radiation itself. I do not know if that was the real reason why, all I know is that I was upset. I was also feeling like a bother for having to call anyone for emotional support and for crying over something so trivial. This whole process, the diagnosis, the operation, the chemo, radiation, etc., makes you feel so vulnerable and dependant upon others beyond what is normal. Sometimes, you just want to stop needing the people in your life so much even though they tell you how much they want to help you. You want life to return to what it was before the trauma so that you can be the person giving help rather than needing it.

Roma Chronicles - Monday, December 14, 2009

2009-12-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

You may wonder why I have not posted much in a week. It took me awhile to adjust to the change in time zones the second time around plus the return to work. (Italy is six hours ahead of us and it took me a week to adjust to the time change the first time.) Meanwhile, I contracted a cold which I blame on my brother who came down with one while we were abroad. I really wonder if the fact that he lived on pizza, pasta, and gelato the entire time we were vacationing had anything to do with it, although I did see him consume one or two salads. But, I digress. I really want to blame this cold on him because I followed my diet the entire time I was abroad and besides, I do not think he would mind. Anyway, the cold turned into a fever of 101 yesterday afternoon and 101.2 last night. So, my plans to decorate the apartment for the holidays, including lights on the balcony, and make meatballs for our upcoming staff Christmas party, etc., were completely destroyed. Instead, I lay on the couch like a sack of potatoes and watched two Christmas movies. It was not exactly what I had in mind.

Since I have to wait until 24 hours after the fever breaks to return to work again, I now have time to blog about the trip. (And yes, I have been resting as well.) I think what I would like to do is give a somewhat day by day account by posting the e-mails I sent to the staff and friends while in Rome. I did this not just to make them jealous, but also so I would remember what we did. It can all become a mental blur so quickly.

So, here they are, minus any superfluous information:

November 26, 2009

Dear Marilyn and all the gang at Martindale's:

I am so tired right now that I can hardly type. It was a full day thanks to my brother's determined mindset! I think he comes by it honestly. Perhaps, it is his Petrillo nature coming to the surface. Well, we toured the Colosseum yesterday. What a magnificent sight! It is too much to write about, especially at this moment. Today, we toured the Palantine Hill (home of several Roman emperors, including Augustus), the Forum (center of Roman commerce and government), and the Capitoline Museum until we (Fran, Lissa and I) just about dropped. We did not finish the museum because we were all too tired and all the history and beauty of it all was beginning to melt into one big blob of culture! (How do I spell tired?) AAAGGGHHHH!!!! Anyway, it was really all so beautiful and mind-boggling how the ancient Romans built so many amazing buildings. Then, to view the Renaissance works of art on top of that was beyond words to describe.

Tomorrow, we will visit the Vatican, where I am sure the Pope (Il Papa) and I will be able to have a wonderful chat together over a cup of tea. Can you imagine? Maybe, I could use my one year of high school German on him. Oh well, we will see what happens. By the way, my brother tried to send some pictures to the family, but the computer could not handle it. I think his memory card was too large. I guess the pictures will have to wait until I return.Hope you are all doing well and behaving now that Mark is in charge. If not, do not bother to tell me. At this point, I do not care at all. Maybe, it is the Italian atmosphere or the fact that I am so tired that I know I am rambling. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Have a blessed week as well. I will try to write again soon.

Love,
Joan

November 27, 2009

Hi Joan!

Wow!!! Sounds like you really had a full day! Don't push too hard. (Yeah, it's the Mom thing kicking in again.) So what do the Italians eat on Thanksgiving? Oh...wait...no Indians there!

lol. I'll pass your email on to the others. Keep me posted. (I'm living vicariously through you.)

Have fun!!

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

I ate manicotti with spinach and cheese because I could not find a turkey in all of Rome.

Joan

November 28, 2009

Dear Marilyn and All the Gang at Martindale's:

Yesterday, we went to the Vatican and toured St. Peter's Basilica, which seats 60,000 people. Every single inch of that building is indescribably and breathtakingly beautiful!! I was completely mesmerized for four hours straight. I also climbed the 320 steps to the top of the dome of the basilica and was able to take a number of pictures of Rome and the Vatican (city). It was amazing! The stairs are inside the dome, and wind up a circular, narrow staircase to the top. I really made it!!! Not bad for someone who finished chemo 23 days ago, huh! Then, we went to lunch at a nice, little restaurant just outside the walls of the city (Vatican). Later, we went back and saw the tombs of the popes. I thought I would take pictures of Paul VI, John Paul I and John Paul II, because they were popes in my lifetime. I took the first two, then saw a guard tell someone else not to take pictures. Oh well, I did not know I was breaking Vatican law.

Today, we went to the Piazza Navona and saw the fountain of Trevi, Rome's most famous fountain. It is absolutely beautiful!!. We have also seen the monument to Vittorio Emmanuele, Italy's first king, affectionately called the 'wedding cake' because it is so elaborate. There is so much history and beauty to take in, but, I must confess, although the food is good, I actually think I can match the taste. (That will be my one obnoxious opinion for this e-mail.)

We expect to return to the Vatican on Monday in order to see the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michaelangelo in the 1500's. I will write again as soon as I can, providing I can access the computer.Goodbye for now. I hope you are all behaving as I really do not want to know anything that happened when I return. :) :) :)

Love,
Joan

November 29, 2009

Dear All,

Just an update for you. Hope you are all well. Saturday, we saw the fountain of Trevi. I walked up the Spanish steps (a mere 80 of them) and saw another church I forget the name of at this point. Saturday evening, we saw La Traviata in All Saints' Anglican church in the Piazza di Spagna. I did not understand a word, but read the story in english so I knew the plot.

Sunday, we strolled the Piazza di Spagna, Piazza del Rotundo and the Piazza Navona all day, including the Pantheon. (Rome is built in sections of streets which look like triangles when viewed from above and are called piazzas.) We had lunch across the piazza from the Pantheon and then saw the church of Saint Ignacius de Loyola. We shopped in many little stores and then saw the church of Saint Marcello. Today, we saw the Sistine Chapel and some of the Vatican museums. I cannot describe it adequately in an e-mail, so I will wait until I get home.

Write to you soon! Arrivederci!

Love,
Joan

December 1, 2009

Ciao, Marilyn,

Buon Giorno e come va? That's about all I know (in Italian) at this point. To continue my saga of Joanie goes to Roma: Today, we went to the National Museum of Rome. I saw so many statues, frescoes, and mosaics, including one excavated from the house of Livia, wife of the Emperor Augustus. But the big deal happened this morning when Fran and I had to do our laundry in an Italian laundromat a few blocks from the hotel. Fran kept calling it another one of my "hair brained ideas" as we dragged our suitcases full of dirty laundry through the streets of Rome following Roberto, the consierge at our hotel. I felt like I was stuck in an "I Love Lucy" script called "Lucy does her laundry in a foreign land." All I can say is "thank God!" for high school Spanish. It has really come in handy! Well, we managed to get the laundry done for a mere $28. (The hotel would have charged $150 according Roberto.) He escorted us there because he did not want us to get lost and call the police - more about that when I get home. Fran decided doing the laundry was a decent idea afterwards. Tomorrow, we will spend the day in Florence where we will see Michaelangelo's statue of David, among other things. I will write again as soon as I can.
Love to all,
Joan

December 3, 2009

Dear Rose,

Yesterday, we went to Florence. I climbed the 463 steps to the top of il Duomo (the cathedral). Then we took some pictures. We also saw Michaelangelo's David, as well as some unfinished works of his. They were amazing, especially David, although his face looks kind of angry. We then saw the graves of Dante, Michaelangelo, Macchiavelli, and Galileo in the church of Santa Croce. We also shopped in a number of neat little stores and had lunch at a nice restaurant across from il Duomo.

Today, we had a more leisurely day. We went to Piazza di Spagna again, then over to Piazza Navona where we had a nice lunch. I tasted that famous tartufo ice cream, indigenous to Rome. It was excellent. Then, by accident, we wound up in Campo di Fiori, got kind of lost, and walked back to the Colesseum to catch the Metro home. I believe we walked the circumference of the city and my "dogs" are killing me. Oh, by the way, I bought a really nice pair of heels, made in Italy, of course, for £25. (about $37.50)

Well, I will sign off for now. Hope you are well and had a nice Thanksgiving.

Love,
Joan

December 4, 2009

Dear Marilyn,

Well, today, after I dropped the pepper at breakfast and spilled my tea, we were off to St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican again. All of us thought it would be good to take another look at the art because the first time we were too busy taking pictures. We waited about a half hour in line to clear security, then thought we would be smart and go to the bathroom first. The problem was that the three of us did not realize that we had passed the exit out of the Vatican when we entered that particular bathroom. So, upon exiting the ladies' room, the Vatican policeman informed us that we had to get back in line in order to clear security because we had passed the exit sign. We tried to explain we did not know we had exited, but to no avail. By that time, the line for security had increased to about, no exaggeration, one thousand people, stretching halfway around St. Peter's Square. Soon, Steve came and tried to talk to the policeman who would not change his mind. Fran and I started praying about it. After a few minutes, the guard walked over to us, told us not to say anything, but let us back in. Thank God! By that time, it was raining. We also saw a papal exhibit this time, then went to lunch. We were going to go to Castel D'Sant Angelo, the papal bunker used during political uprisings, but it started raining hard so we walked back to the Metro instead. Unfortunately, there were delays on the "B" line so the "A" line was mobbed, literally. We waited for about five trains to pass in order to board. We were packed in like sardines for six stops and yet people kept trying to board at each stop. One guy's backpack got caught in the doors, but he still would not get off the train. I was really glad to get off.

Well, I had better sign off for now. I hope to go to Naples tomorrow. We will see whether or not that happens.

Arrivederci for now,
Joan

N.B. We never went to Naples because of poor planning on our part as well as a couple of unusual circumstances. Instead, we planned to visit the famous Borghese Galleria on the outskirts of Rome on Saturday, December 5th. However, due to poor planning again, we were unable to secure tickets.

December 6, 2009

Dear Marilyn,

Well, it is my last night in Rome. AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am used to being here and going sight-seeing instead of working. What will I do! Maybe I could retire early....Instead, I guess I will come home and go back to work. Ugh! Yesterday, we never made it to the Borghese Gallery because you have to make a reservation in advance and they were booked until Tuesday. So, we walked the park for what seemed like miles, then rented a four-man bicycle. (They actually make them in Italy.) We peddled around the park for an hour. It was a really nice experience. Afterward, we went back to the Spanish steps and the Piazza di Spagna and ate lunch and shopped some more.

Today, we went to the Grace Kelly exhibit, authorized by the Grimaldi family, in the Piazza di Spagna area. It was really interesting. Piazza di Spagna was mobbed with Christmas shoppers the same as yesterday. So, we took the Metro to the Lateran district. It was at this point that Fran got caught on the train and the doors closed and we had to take the next one and find her. Thank God, she knew where to go. Anyway, we had a great lunch and then visited San Giovanni of the Lateran. It is a beautiful, huge church building where the popes were crowned until the 1870's. There is no way to describe the beauty of the artwork in these churches. You just have to stand and stare and try to soak it all in and hope you remember it. Then, we came home, packed, and had our last dinner here. :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Arrivederci and love and kisses,
Joan

N.B. I also wanted to report that, for the first time in my life, I ate chestnuts roasted on an open fire. At every corner in Rome, during the fall season, vendors roast and sell chestnuts on charcoal fires. They sell them in paper cones for a few euros, so I finally tried a batch. It seemed a bit unusual to eat something in Rome that I have always heard sung about in an American Christmas carol. Anyway, it was an interesting culinary experience, but I think I will stick with my favorites - almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

By the way, in response to my communications, the gang at Martindale's sent me an e-mail entitled, "Everything is under control." In it I was reassured that everyone was busy doing their jobs to the best of their abilities while I was away. To prove it, they sent pictures of Mike looking inebriated with a bottle of Martinelli's poised at his lips. In addition, there were pictures of some staff members and Steve, one of the owners, smoking fake cigarettes. Mark, the Sales Manager, was tied up with rope and gagged. (They promised me they were giving him bathroom and lunch breaks.) The last one was a picture of my office being used as a storage closet. I laughed to the point of tears, then answered them with an e-mail stating they were all in trouble as soon as I returned home. To be honest though, I was wondering how much work was getting done while they were constructing this letter.

So this was truly the trip of a lifetime, at least, until I have another one just like it. It was quite an experience, and one that I will never forget. It was also a wonderful mental, emotional, and physical diversion from the cancer protocols I am encountering.

CT Scan - Thursday, December 10, 2009

2009-12-14T14:06:00.000-08:00

Today, I had the CT scan in order to set up the radiation protocol. I must admit I was somewhat unnerved by it. Whenever I think I am used to this process, I discover that I am not. You ladies may understand. First, I found myself uncovered from the waist up in a room with two men who were strangers. One man was the doctor I met one time a few weeks prior. The other was someone I had never met whose job position was not explained to me. (I kept secretly wondering if, perhaps, he was the janitor.) Then, they began putting pieces of clear tape with markings on them all over my chest. The whole time they were trying to distract me by asking questions about my recent vacation. It really did not help. I still felt so embarrassed by it all. I think the radiologist sensed this because on several occasions he put his hand on my arm as if to steady me, somewhat like a father would a child. Even though it was a simple gesture, I was very affected by it. At the same time, the other clinician, who I later found out is the Supervisor of Radiology, talked to me about putting permanent markers on my skin in order to guide the laser beams. I did not want any more permanent marks on my skin, so I agreed to allow them to apply temporary marks with stickers on top of them for protection. The only problem is that I have to keep a marker and extra stickers with me at all times in case the "X’s" begin to disappear. Apparently, for the duration of the protocol, they must always be visible on my skin. Finally, we set up the time for a dry run for the radiation therapy on December 15th and the actual radiation to begin on December 16th. The one "bummer" in all of this is that the first day of radiation will be on my birthday. I am not really happy about it, but it seems there is no way to avoid it. If all goes well, I will be finished this leg of the journey around February 2nd.

Home Again - Tuesday, December 8, 2009

2009-12-08T17:55:00.000-08:00

Abby and I (and my family) returned from Rome last night. After thirteen days of sight seeing, pasta and pizza eating, and walking for about seven hours every day (minus time for lunch), we are so very tired, but content. It was truly a once in a lifetime experience. I saw some of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen in my life. I am grateful for having had the opportunity to go. It also served as a much needed break from what can easily be described as a very grueling year.

Now it is time to return to the treatment process. I do not feel ready, but that does not seem to matter. This week, I have to get a CT scan in order to determine how to perform the radiation protocol. Next week, I start radiation therapy itself. Not exactly something I am looking forward to, but according to the doctor, it is necessary. Well, I will sign off for now because I have to go back to work tomorrow....aaaggghhh!!!

Abby Goes To Rome - Monday, November 23, 2009

2009-11-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

Abby (the wig) and I will be traveling to Rome today. I wanted to leave her home, but, alas, I need her services during this trip. So, we will be eating pizza and pasta and lots of vegetables together in the eternal city for the next two weeks. If I can access a computer during this time, I will be posting while I am away. But, if not, I will talk to you all when I arrive home. See you later, and arrivederci for now!

Weight Gain - Thursday, November 19, 2009

2009-11-21T19:25:00.000-08:00

I have both good and bad news to report. It was last January, when I discovered a sudden drop in weight that disturbed me. Since I have always had a very stable metabolism holding the same weight for more than a decade at a time, the sudden shift seemed unusual. I went to the doctor and had blood work done, but it came back normal. I now believe that the cancer was the underlying cause. By the time of the operation, I had lost seven pounds. That may not seem like much to some, but it was enough to make others, as well as me, take notice of the change in my frame. The naturopath was concerned that I would drop more weight during chemo because it causes many to lose their appetite. To circumvent this, she prescribed whey protein. However, since I never lost my appetite during the entire time of chemo, I ate to my heart’s content. Because I weighed less than the top poundage I allow myself, I was also looking forward to "porking out" while in Rome. However, a few days ago, I weighed myself and discovered that I had gained back those seven lost pounds. So, although I view this as another testimony to the faithfulness of God, I am a little disappointed that I now have to exercise some restraint while on vacation. I just hope all the walking we will do will burn enough calories to balance the wonderful food I plan to eat. A small but unhappy dilemma, indeed!

More About Radiation - Wednesday, November 18, 2009

2009-11-21T19:16:00.000-08:00

There are a couple of significant things about the radiology appointment that I forgot to mention in my last blog. One of the questions in the paperwork that I found interesting said, "What do you expect radiation to do?" Marge, my nurse friend who had accompanied me, answered, "To cure you." But I could not write that because I do not believe it. So I wrote that I expected it to kill cancer cells. That was closer to my expectation than anything else. You may wonder what the difference is between the two statements. To me, the difference is significant. I believe, both from my reading and training, that cancer is an end manifestation of a many-faceted cause. The reasons may be different for each individual, but the results are the same. So the chemo or radiation can not cure the original problem, because it only addresses the results. I believe that it is my responsibility to continue to seek God and be open to what may have been the cause(s). Then and only then, do I believe that I can be "cured."

The second item of note was the fact that the doctor told me he usually recommends treatment a minimum of two weeks after chemo, so it was good that I was taking my vacation prior to the start of radiation. Apparently, he does not like any interruptions to the protocol, especially a two week one. According to him, that long a time period would necessitate additional treatments, which would not have made me happy. On the other hand, the medical oncologist had said that a two week vacation would not weaken the effectiveness of the chemo cycles. So, in my mind, it was another confirmation that God’s guidance was in the planning of this trip.

Third Phase - Tuesday, November 17, 2009

2009-11-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

Today, I had my introductory appointment with the radiology oncologist. His bedside manner, as with my other physicians, is great. During the session, he explained the usual opinions I have heard from the previous doctors, that according to standard protocol in the U.S.A., I need radiation.

The treatment is to last 33 sessions, not 30 as I was originally told. It is a very targeted protocol that will only affect the right breast, the original site infected. He said that the reason the dosage is spread out over a six and a half week time period is so that the DNA of all healthy cells present in the breast can repair themselves in a 24 hour period. Apparently, any unhealthy, or diseased cells, would not be capable of such repair. So, as I understand it, that is how radiation destroys cancer cells. In the process, though, it creates free radicals in the local area. After explaining this, the radiologist made a statement that was very helpful to me. He said that there is no proof that taking mega dosages of vitamins C and E will interfere with or hinder the success of the radiation treatment. He stated that there is a theory that it does, but no proof. That statement indicated to me he has an open mind to alternative medicine. I was correct, too, because he then said he did not have a problem with my taking supplements. He just wanted me to give him a list for his general information. That made me a happy camper, at least as happy as one can be who has to take radiation.

Apparently, the side-effects are less dangerous than with chemo and more confined to one local area. For instance, there is the possibility of itchiness, dryness and a change in pigmentation during the time of treatment, which should gradually fade after a few weeks. The good thing about it is that the protocol only takes about twenty minutes each day and I do not have to go on Christmas or New Year’s. According to this, I should be finished by the end of January.

What To Do - Monday, November 16, 2009

2009-11-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

I picked up a message from the naturopath late in the day suggesting I drink dandelion tea and have my sister massage my calves, which she was kind enough to do. She also recommended that I try to stay off my feet as much as possible. This is rather difficult to achieve when you work retail. At this point, the swelling has decreased somewhat, but is not completely gone. I am still taking the Turmeric, but as yet have to purchase the dandelion tea. I am glad there has been some improvement though.

Inflammation - Sunday, November 15, 2009

2009-11-17T18:52:00.000-08:00

An odd thing occurred today. Around the twelfth or thirteenth days of the last couple of cycles of chemo, I noticed some water retention in my ankles which disappeared by the next day. I attributed it to the Turmeric I have been taking for inflammation. However, the naturopath removed that herb from my list of supplements, so I had not had any since Tuesday morning. Well, this morning, I looked down at my ankles during church and noticed that they had disappeared. More than that, my right leg started to feel funny and my toes felt like little pork sausages inside my high heels. When church was over, I made it a point to ask for prayer. This afternoon, I called the naturopath and left a message. I also started back on the Turmeric in an attempt to address the inflammation. My prayer is that the swelling will quickly diminish as I do not like the idea of water retention.

Destination, Rome - Thursday, November 12, 2009

2009-11-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

In December 2007, just before my mom passed on, I announced to my sister that, if Mom died, I was going to travel to Italy. I reasoned that after dealing with her three month ordeal in the hospital, I should finally make the trip I had been dreaming of for years. A few months later, my brother and sister-in-law expressed interest in going, but then changed their minds. So, my plans to go in 2008 failed and I found myself at Brigantine beach rather than in Florence.

In December 2008, however, my brother and sister-in-law’s interest in the trip re-ignited and we began to seriously consider some really appealing cruises. Something odd happened during January though. My brother, who definitely carries my father’s genes in that he is ever in search of a "great deal", started sending us e-mails about cruises to less than desirable places. You have to understand that the goal was Italy, so a trip to Egypt or Turkey was just not an option. My sister and I grew more concerned as the cruises became more and more exotic and the number of days in Italy grew fewer and fewer. By February, we knew we had to "reel him in." So, one Sunday, we staged an East-West coast planning session via the internet and our cell phones. After much discussion, my brother conceded to research what a two week stay in one Italian city would be like. So, we chose Rome. Then the challenge was to find a suitable hotel. Finally, my brother found a beautiful one near the Metro station and the Colosseum. As we all viewed the website, Steve found enough amenities to consider the hotel a "good enough deal." So, it was settled.

Originally, my brother wanted to travel during the month of April but neither my sister nor I felt ready to travel that soon. When we decided on the two week stay, we chose November because the rates would be less expensive. The amazing thing is that none of us knew at the time what would happen in the next two months. It was in April that I was diagnosed and I either would have had to cancel the trip or would never have been able to enjoy it. Nor did we have any way of knowing that I would finish chemo three weeks before our scheduled vacation, giving me enough time to recuperate after the last treatment. I truly believe that God had a hand in the planning of this trip guiding us without our conscious knowledge. The timing is just too precise for me not to think this. Anyway, no matter what anyone else thinks, I am grateful as I would not have wanted to travel while in the middle of the chemo treatment. So, in a few short days, I will be saying, "Arrivederci, Martindale's" and, "Ciao, Roma."

Post Chemo - Tuesday, November 10, 2009

2009-11-15T19:18:00.000-08:00

Today, I had my appointment with the naturopath. She reviewed my blood work from the last chemo treatment and found that, at this time, I am not absorbing my B vitamins as well as I should. Also, my red blood cell count was still low even though I have been taking more of the Marrow Plus supplement. However, in reviewing the blood work from before the operation, I realized that my red blood cell count was normal at the time of the diagnosis. I asked the naturopath whether the low count was due to the operation, the installation of the port one month after, then the administration of chemo. It was my thought that, because of these events, my body was unable to recoup its red blood cell levels. She thought that was a reasonable explanation. It helped to know this because I was concerned that anemia had been present all along. Also, she did not seem to think it was necessary to take anything special to help with the B vitamin malabsorption. In other words, in time and minus the interference of chemo, she believes my body will right itself.

Then the topic turned to establishing a new protocol for post-chemo and the trip to Rome. To make a long discussion short, the doctor gave me a great gift. She said that, while in Rome, I can eat cheese with dinner. She also said that for every chicken/turkey meal I have, I need to balance it with a purely vegetarian meal. In addition to this, I have been ordered to have at least one gelato and one tiramisu while I am there. I do not know how that news would effect anyone else, but I was ready to do a jig in her office. Until this time, I have been restricted to chicken or turkey twice and one or two slices of cheese per week. To tell you the truth, I really did not care as much about the permission to have dessert as I did about eating meat and cheese whenever I desired. According to her and others, the food in Italy is in season, local, and bio-dynamically grown. So even though it may not all be organic, it is generally healthy. Hence, my excitement knew no bounds. She also prescribed eight hours of sleep each night during the trip stating that this would do more to repair my body than anything else.

The naturopath then gave me a new list of supplements for the next two weeks and during vacation. Included in this regime was a detox formula. Hooray! However, it seemed as though she cut my regime in half. Although I am glad not to have to take so many pills, at the same time, I could not help but feel a little unprotected. I truly believe she knows what she is doing, but I still feel funny about it. I guess it will take some time to get used to the new regime and the fact that I may not necessarily need as much protection after the chemo treatments as during.

Regrowth - Monday, November 9, 2009

2009-11-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

I really am tempted to stare into the bathroom mirror and see if I can watch my hair grow. I asked my sister last night if she would check my head for growth, which she did, but to no avail. I almost feel like a kid waiting at the window for dad to come home, expecting him to arrive at any moment. You keep waiting to hear the car pull into the driveway or see the headlights flash against the front of the house. Some evidence has to show soon because, at this moment, I just know my hair follicles are at work producing that long awaited sight...hair. Oh well, I guess there are a few other things I could do in the next couple of weeks while this phenomenon is occurring. Maybe I should fire up the curling iron or check the hair dryer cord to see if it still works.

Tiredness - Saturday, November 7, 2009

2009-11-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

My temperature was still normal this morning, but I feel much more tired today. I still managed to clean the apartment as well as do the laundry and ironing, then, after lunch I rested. (No matter what happens, a girl has to have a clean house.) Later, I tried to do some shopping with my sister but started to feel punky. We ended the excursion early so I could rest again. I really hate to have these kinds of limitations. I lay on the couch like a potato for a while before forcing myself to get up and do a few things prior to dinner. About 7:30 p.m., I started to feel achy again and found my temperature was 99.2. So it was back to the oil of oregano capsules and by 10 o’clock the fever left and I fell into bed exhausted.

Another Day At Home - Friday, November 6, 2009

2009-11-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

At 6:30 a.m., my temperature was normal. Feeling a little more daring because of this, I took my temperature again at about 8 a.m. I was hoping I could go to work today. Unfortunately, it was 99 degrees. So it was settled. I had to stay home again. About this time, I was paid a visit by "Ms. Self-Pity" and briefly entertained her. Then I made a phone call to a friend. Thank God for people who will allow me to unload my emotional burdens without judgement. It helps to talk to someone who cares. I was just so disappointed and frustrated to get another fever after trying to prevent it with the oil of oregano capsules. However, it soon occurred to me that the situation might have been worse if I had not taken anything ahead of time. So, I intend to rest, study, blog, and plan the things that must be accomplished in the next three weeks before I leave for Rome.

By 2 p.m., my fever broke. At 11 p.m., it was still normal, so I went to bed thankful at least for no more fever. I just need it to stay that way for 24 hours. .

Frustration - Thursday, November 5, 2009

2009-11-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

This day began differently than the other first days after chemo in that I felt a bit nauseous. So I took more Umeboshi plum paste than usual (the alkalizing food I have been using with great success thus far). I also felt a little more "draggy" than before and by noon started feeling that familiar achy feeling again. As a preemptive strike, last night I took an oil of oregano capsule just in case a fever should start. While the day progressed, the feeling of achiness increased accompanied by a lack of appetite, which is unusual for me even during the chemo treatments. So, I took another oregano capsule and ate the "stone" soup that Debbie, our newsletter editor, brought me for lunch. It was the right thing to eat. By 5:30 p.m., I arrived home and was able to take my temperature. Sure enough, it was 99.6. By nine o’clock, it was 100 degrees. I cannot explain how frustrating this is even though I know it will be the last time I have to deal with it.

Sixth Treatment - Wednesday, November 4, 2009

2009-11-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

This is it! The last chemo treatment ever, in my book. The usual things happened this morning at work. I tried to finish all my paperwork while managing a number of situations requiring my attention. Toward the noon hour it seemed like my time ran out. I had to rush home and actually arrived a little late at the oncologist’s office. The place is so busy that I do not think they noticed. During this appointment, the doctor told me that I did a lot better than even he expected. He said that he did not know if it was because of my constitution or because of the supplements I have been taking. I answered that it was due to God first, and the vitamins second, to which he agreed. After examining me and discussing the latest batch of minor side-effects, he told me to forget all about this office, enjoy myself during my upcoming trip to Rome, Italy, (more about that later) and that he would see me in April, 2010.

By the time my sister and I made our way to the treatment rooms, the semi-privates, which are my favorites, were completely occupied. So I settled in the "sun" room, a cheery place surrounded by floor to ceiling windows. Since it was a bright day outside, it was even more pleasant than usual to sit in there. After about a half hour, the room cleared of other patients and we had the place to ourselves for the duration of my treatment time. However, this cycle was more difficult than the others in regards to falling asleep. The effects of the Benadryl, which usually make me both restless and sleepy for about 30 to 45 minutes, seemed to last longer today. Every time I would begin to drift off, the familiar knee-jerk reaction of kicking the chair would occur and I could not relax. After about an hour and a half, I fell asleep and the next thing I heard was the nurse whispering in my ear that I was finished. Only this time I was not just finished for the day but completely finished the protocol. Even though I was half functional, somewhat like an intoxicated person, I imagine, it felt really great to finally be finished.

On the way home, I talked to both my brother and my best friend for a bit while still trying to become fully awake. Then, I had the brilliant idea to call Marilyn, the produce department head at Martindale’s. I started the conversation by yelling, "I’m done, I’m done, I’m done!!!" Then my sister and I sang "Arrivederci, Roma" over the phone to her. Those are the only two words of the song either of us know. I found out the next day that Marilyn had me on speaker phone and her daughter, overhearing our singing, questioned if something was wrong with me. She must have been worried that I was drunk and concerned if I was driving. Unknown to me, Marilyn also shared the story of my conversation with the staff. When I arrived at work they wanted me to sing that song for them as well. So in the backroom of Martindale’s I belted out the two words of that song I remember. We all had a good laugh. (Then I must confess that I got right to work because I know my bosses are reading this blog!) You may wonder why I would sing this particular song or rather phrase of a song. Well, it reminds me that I can now think about something other than cancer and chemo, something pleasant like my upcoming trip.

Final Approach - Tuesday, November 3, 2009

2009-11-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

Well, it is almost upon me. Tomorrow I will have my last chemo treatment. It amazes me when I remember that people said, while I was still in the decision-making process regarding chemo, that it would be over before I knew it and that I would do well. In fact, some of those around me seemed to think I should be enthusiastic about such a wonderful opportunity! The problem was, at that point, I felt like I had just been sentenced to an all expense paid trip to Auschwitz and that I was the only one who realized it. You may wonder why I would perceive it that way. Well, first there was the surgery, then came the installation of the port. Next was the chemo, which in my mind was the equivalent of poison. The final touch will be the radiation, or nuclear exposure. So I faced the prospect of being cut, poisoned, then burned. It is an understatement to say I was not happy at the prospect. However, now that I am almost finished this segment, it really did go by quickly and, with all things considered, I actually have done well. So I have to admit that my friends and family were correct. However, I am very glad this portion is almost over and I never, ever, ever want to do this again!

The Next Step - October 26, 2009

2009-10-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

Today I made an appointment with the radiology oncologist for two weeks after the last chemo appointment. This is the next stage of the protocol for me. An acquaintance of mine, who went through this whole process a few months prior to me, said that when she came to this juncture she felt unsettled. When I asked her why, she really could not explain. She said that perhaps it was the fact that this part of the process was unfamiliar to her. I thought it sounded unusual at the time but now, I must confess, I feel the same way. I have become so accustomed to the routine of chemo that something like radiation seems a little unnerving. It requires that I be at the radiologist’s office five days a week for six weeks straight. I am still trying to figure out how to manage this, exercise, work, and manage all the other aspects of my daily routine. There will also be a new set of side-effects to combat with a whole new alternative medicine protocol to incorporate into daily life. Here is something even stranger... I have become accustomed to my medical oncologist. I think I will actually miss him. After all, it took awhile to "break him in" so to speak, but please don’t tell him that. Anyway, although I am sure I will figure out how to work all this into a daily schedule, at the moment, it seems a little overwhelming.

Aftermath - October 24, 2009

2009-10-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

During my last visit to the oncologist, he told me that with the fifth and sixth treatments there would be a marked increase in the tiredness I have been experiencing. Although I wish I did not have to admit it, I have been noticing more frequent occurrences of tiredness lately. The strange thing about it is that it does not come on gradually as normal tiredness. I can be humming along at a good clip then all of a sudden.....boom, I need to sit or lie down immediately, sometimes twice in a day. I find this most distressing as it interferes with my plans. This was my experience last Saturday. As I was wondering out loud to myself about it, my sister, ever the comedienne, said, "I don’t know. Do you think maybe it was those five "hits" of chemo? Maybe I am reaching here. I really don’t consider myself to be a Sherlock Holmes, but do you think that may have something to do with it?" She went on for so long in that vein that I laughed until I thought I would burst. Unfortunately though, I realized I have to allow for more times of rest, especially for the next month or so.

Excitement - Wednesday - October 21, 2009

2009-10-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. Two weeks from today I will be able to start growing hair and I am sooooo excited about the thought! After what will seem like a lifetime, I will have more hair than Mark, our Sales Manager. You have no idea, or maybe you readers do, what it is like to have less hair than the baldest man you know. Well, after a couple of months, I plan to leave good ole’ Mark in the dust and reclaim my place as one of the women with the most hair at Martindale’s Natural Market. Yahoo!!

Stay Home Or Else - Friday, October 16, 2009

2009-10-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

This morning, I called work and told Marilyn (the resident pain in the neck mother hen at Martindale’s) about the fever. So, it was decided, not by me, that I would stay home from work today. The problem was that our heating system in the apartment was not working. So, I had to wear two sweaters, two pairs of socks, and "Abby" on my head just to keep somewhat warm. The poor maintenance man is new and unfamiliar with this type of heating system so he was in and out of the apartment for several hours bleeding the lines in order to make it work. As a result, I had little time to sleep. By about one thirty, though, my temperature was normal. All I need is twenty-four hours and I can rejoin the human race. By the way, we still do not have heat.

Not Again! - Thursday, October 15, 2009

2009-10-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

The day after chemo, I awoke feeling normal and hoped that feeling would continue throughout the day. Unfortunately, about two o’clock in the afternoon, I began to feel the now familiar achy feeling again. This time, however, I was more prepared and decided to take an oil of oregano capsule. By six, my temperature was 99.4 degrees, so I took another oil of oregano and stayed home from church. What a joy this is! By ten, it was 98.8. I fell asleep on the couch until midnight, then forced myself to go to bed.

Fifth Treatment - Wednesday, October 14, 2009

2009-10-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Today marked my fifth chemo treatment. I have been apprehensive for weeks about this round because of the fever I encountered after treatment number four. So, the staff at Martindale’s practically pushed me out the door to the appointment. During my session with the oncologist, we discussed the fever and the fact that I did not call him during the time it occurred. After explaining to him that the fever started the day after chemo and not during the nader time (the time when blood levels drop to the lowest point), he informed me that the fever was probably due to the chemo or a virus, in which case, he could have done nothing to help me and would not have prescribed an antibiotic. So, I was convinced that I handled the symptoms properly.

We then discussed the radiation aspect of the protocol and the doctor under whose care I would be put. Apparently, he is fairly open-minded to complementary medicine. I was glad to hear it because if he was not, we would not get along. At the end of the visit, the oncologist spoke almost the same words the naturopath had the day before, that I was doing very, very well. I think, as he put it, I was "flying through" this protocol and he was proud of me, knowing how opposed I am to chemo as a whole.

After the visit, I made my way to the treatment rooms and because no patients were there I could pick whichever seat I wanted. I felt like Goldilocks with the three bears. My friend, Janet, and I settled in one of the semi-privates by the window. After asking the usual questions about side-effects, the nurse attending me made a number of comments about how wonderful my skin looked. She also remarked about how well I was doing. It really does feel good to get that kind of feedback from someone who deals with these issues on a daily basis. Then, as usual, the Benadryl took affect. I became restless and sleepy at the same time. So the battle raged between trying to relax and kicking the chair for awhile, then I fell asleep. Finally, the treatment was completed about the time I awoke and Janet drove me home. That night, although the usual "fuzzy-headed" feeling persisted, I felt relatively fine.

Great News - Tuesday, October 13, 2009

2009-10-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

Today, I had an appointment with the naturopath. During the office visit, we discussed the various side effects I had experienced over the past months and how to address them. I am always glad to hear what suggestions she has. I was also happy to report that the products she prescribed during our last visit worked so well that those side effects had disappeared (the neuropathy and the chemical burns on my hands). However, it was after reviewing my blood work from the day of the fourth chemo treatment, that she made a shocking statement. She said she thought I might be able to do a round of detox after the sixth and final chemo treatment. I remembered that originally she had said I would need to wait until after radiation was complete to build my immune system, then I could begin the process of detoxing. So, when she suggested the idea of detoxing before radiation I reminded her of her original statement. Then I asked about the rebuilding segment of the protocol because of the need to have an intact immune system. It was then she explained that because my white blood cell counts were so good, my immune system was still operating. She also informed me that I was still absorbing vitamins which meant that my digestive system was operating as well, albeit not perfectly due to the chemo, but it was still in working order. Although she would make the final decision over the next month, no one but God, and another person dealing with cancer, could understand the degree to which that piece of news affected me. Let me explain. Chemo is designed to attack rapidly dividing cells. Since the digestive and immune systems produce cells rapidly, both these systems are naturally attacked by it. In addition, I have been reading that chemo damages organs, oftentimes irreparably. Because a person’s immune system is compromised by it, if there is a second attack of cancer, the body usually cannot withstand that attack. This is why after a number of years a second cancer can possibly metastasize to an organ or the bones, etc. Knowing these things beforehand, I have been doing all that I can to protect my body during this protocol. But, the thoughts of what the chemo might be doing to my body were always in the background. That is why it came as such a relief to know that after three treatments these systems were still functioning fairly well.

I left the naturopath’s office feeling as though a one hundred pound weight had rolled off my shoulders. After calling my sister and exploding with excitement over the phone, I went to work. Upon entering, I saw Marilyn, grabbed her arm and jerked her into the back room where other staff were working. I then let go of her arm and made the announcement to whoever would listen. I could not contain my joy even though most who heard me did not catch the full import of my news. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness.

Reflections - Friday, October 9, 2009

2009-10-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

As of today, it has been almost six months since I first discovered the tumor in my body. Sometimes while thinking about all that has taken place since then, I think about the evening of April 4, 2009. That night I attended the 50th birthday party of one of my oldest and closest friends. Her husband gave her a surprise party anyone would envy. Friends traveled from other states to help celebrate the occasion. She could not have been more surprised or honored. When I think about what took place that evening, the picture taking, the laughter, the great food (I ate a little too much broccoli rabe), I am amazed at how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. I think that if anyone had approached me that night and told me that within two weeks I would discover a cancerous lump in my body, be threatened with a mastectomy, have an operation, undergo chemo and radiation, have a plastic port implanted in my chest, then have to detox, etc……Well, my reply would have been to inquire about which hallucinogenic drugs that person was taking. I would have then recited a list of "nevers". You may know what I mean. I exercise, eat right, and confront my emotional issues without excuse, so I will never get cancer. In addition, I would only use alternative means to shrink a tumor. Furthermore, due to the toxicity involved in chemo and radiation, I will never subject my body to either protocol. Another "never" would have been the idea of sharing my innermost struggles in a blog, let alone on the internet. I only share those things with a select few, being a very private person by nature, so this thought would have been the final proof of someone’s hallucinations. However, here I am six months later doing all of the aforementioned. So, I guess I have failed my "never" list. At this point I must have faith in a God who guides me when I ask Him to do so. I also have to trust that if I have made any mistakes in the decision making process, He will lead me back on course and keep me safe from any possible harm. And like Joseph in the book of Genesis, I believe one day I will be able to say that what was meant for evil, God used for the good of others.

How to Help - Wednesday, October 7, 2009

2009-10-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why some people feel compelled to tell me about their friend, relative, loved one, or acquaintance who had cancer and died after several years. I am not sure if they think it will help me or if they just do not know what to say. To be honest, this is a time when I need encouragement rather than to hear about that other person who lost the battle for his/her life because it hits too close to home. Please understand that it is not that I do not care. It is that, right now, I am waging that same battle in my own life and there is a continual need to remain positive. One such instance occurred a week ago as I was coughing while on the phone with someone. (It was a few days after the fever had passed and I was still recuperating.) That's when the person on the other end started telling me about his friend who died ten years ago this month right after his chemo was finished and he was ready to get on with life. He used to take power walks and one day caught a chill, contracted pneumonia, and died. The person recounting the story said he did not want to scare me, but......Guess who I called after I ended the conversation? You are correct, my naturopath. I was a little unnerved, to say the least.

If you really want to help someone dealing with cancer, I would like to offer a few suggestions. Offer to clean his/her house, or cook, or drive him/her to an appointment. You could also send a card saying how much you care or call to check on him/her. Also, let the person talk if he/she needs to do so. All these things seem small but are more helpful than you realize. The offers of help I have received have amazed and touched me. For example, when I was about to start chemo, a number of people offered to take me to my treatments. I honestly had not thought about needing an escort as I was planning on going by myself, then going to work. I am so glad I accepted those offers as I am "fuzzy-headed" and tired after treatment and really should not be driving. Another dear person left a card for me, with money inside, telling me he was praying for me. That was an unexpected and needed blessing with all the co-pays I have been encountering. Also, my hairdresser will not let me pay for a hair cut or color until after the chemo is finished. (I still have some hair left.) Any of the above shows you care and really blesses the recipient.