Taking The Morning Off - Thursday, February 4, 2010

I decided to take the morning off today. To be honest, as I have neared the end of the radiation treatments, I have grown increasingly weary. I can almost imagine what a soldier would feel like after many months of being "hyper-vigilant." The need to steel myself emotionally against the trauma surrounding the diagnosis, chemo, and radiation, and still remain focused, has taken its toll on me. It feels like I have been living inside a whirlwind, or been on a merry-go-round, for the past nine and a half months. Then, suddenly, the whirlwind ceased or the merry-go-round stopped, leaving me dizzy and tired. I realized I really needed some time to be alone in order to regroup. In fact, I think the one thing I would have done differently in the last nine and a half months would have been to rest more. Unfortunately, I was so determined not to allow this crisis to change my life as radically as it was capable of doing that I made every effort to maintain life as usual. In the long run it was probably not the best decision. I really did not have to prove myself to anyone. So today I found myself not wanting to have to care about anyone or anything. It was a new feeling and one that, I am sure, will pass with time, but it was strong nonetheless. The problem was that I really should not have gone to work at all today, because as soon as I walked through those doors, I had to care about everything happening around me no matter how I felt inside. Thank God for His grace at a time like this.