The Next Step - October 26, 2009

Today I made an appointment with the radiology oncologist for two weeks after the last chemo appointment. This is the next stage of the protocol for me. An acquaintance of mine, who went through this whole process a few months prior to me, said that when she came to this juncture she felt unsettled. When I asked her why, she really could not explain. She said that perhaps it was the fact that this part of the process was unfamiliar to her. I thought it sounded unusual at the time but now, I must confess, I feel the same way. I have become so accustomed to the routine of chemo that something like radiation seems a little unnerving. It requires that I be at the radiologist’s office five days a week for six weeks straight. I am still trying to figure out how to manage this, exercise, work, and manage all the other aspects of my daily routine. There will also be a new set of side-effects to combat with a whole new alternative medicine protocol to incorporate into daily life. Here is something even stranger... I have become accustomed to my medical oncologist. I think I will actually miss him. After all, it took awhile to "break him in" so to speak, but please don’t tell him that. Anyway, although I am sure I will figure out how to work all this into a daily schedule, at the moment, it seems a little overwhelming.

Aftermath - October 24, 2009

During my last visit to the oncologist, he told me that with the fifth and sixth treatments there would be a marked increase in the tiredness I have been experiencing. Although I wish I did not have to admit it, I have been noticing more frequent occurrences of tiredness lately. The strange thing about it is that it does not come on gradually as normal tiredness. I can be humming along at a good clip then all of a sudden.....boom, I need to sit or lie down immediately, sometimes twice in a day. I find this most distressing as it interferes with my plans. This was my experience last Saturday. As I was wondering out loud to myself about it, my sister, ever the comedienne, said, "I don’t know. Do you think maybe it was those five "hits" of chemo? Maybe I am reaching here. I really don’t consider myself to be a Sherlock Holmes, but do you think that may have something to do with it?" She went on for so long in that vein that I laughed until I thought I would burst. Unfortunately though, I realized I have to allow for more times of rest, especially for the next month or so.

Excitement - Wednesday - October 21, 2009

Well, it is official. Two weeks from today I will be able to start growing hair and I am sooooo excited about the thought! After what will seem like a lifetime, I will have more hair than Mark, our Sales Manager. You have no idea, or maybe you readers do, what it is like to have less hair than the baldest man you know. Well, after a couple of months, I plan to leave good ole’ Mark in the dust and reclaim my place as one of the women with the most hair at Martindale’s Natural Market. Yahoo!!

Stay Home Or Else - Friday, October 16, 2009

This morning, I called work and told Marilyn (the resident pain in the neck mother hen at Martindale’s) about the fever. So, it was decided, not by me, that I would stay home from work today. The problem was that our heating system in the apartment was not working. So, I had to wear two sweaters, two pairs of socks, and "Abby" on my head just to keep somewhat warm. The poor maintenance man is new and unfamiliar with this type of heating system so he was in and out of the apartment for several hours bleeding the lines in order to make it work. As a result, I had little time to sleep. By about one thirty, though, my temperature was normal. All I need is twenty-four hours and I can rejoin the human race. By the way, we still do not have heat.

Not Again! - Thursday, October 15, 2009

The day after chemo, I awoke feeling normal and hoped that feeling would continue throughout the day. Unfortunately, about two o’clock in the afternoon, I began to feel the now familiar achy feeling again. This time, however, I was more prepared and decided to take an oil of oregano capsule. By six, my temperature was 99.4 degrees, so I took another oil of oregano and stayed home from church. What a joy this is! By ten, it was 98.8. I fell asleep on the couch until midnight, then forced myself to go to bed.

Fifth Treatment - Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Today marked my fifth chemo treatment. I have been apprehensive for weeks about this round because of the fever I encountered after treatment number four. So, the staff at Martindale’s practically pushed me out the door to the appointment. During my session with the oncologist, we discussed the fever and the fact that I did not call him during the time it occurred. After explaining to him that the fever started the day after chemo and not during the nader time (the time when blood levels drop to the lowest point), he informed me that the fever was probably due to the chemo or a virus, in which case, he could have done nothing to help me and would not have prescribed an antibiotic. So, I was convinced that I handled the symptoms properly.

We then discussed the radiation aspect of the protocol and the doctor under whose care I would be put. Apparently, he is fairly open-minded to complementary medicine. I was glad to hear it because if he was not, we would not get along. At the end of the visit, the oncologist spoke almost the same words the naturopath had the day before, that I was doing very, very well. I think, as he put it, I was "flying through" this protocol and he was proud of me, knowing how opposed I am to chemo as a whole.

After the visit, I made my way to the treatment rooms and because no patients were there I could pick whichever seat I wanted. I felt like Goldilocks with the three bears. My friend, Janet, and I settled in one of the semi-privates by the window. After asking the usual questions about side-effects, the nurse attending me made a number of comments about how wonderful my skin looked. She also remarked about how well I was doing. It really does feel good to get that kind of feedback from someone who deals with these issues on a daily basis. Then, as usual, the Benadryl took affect. I became restless and sleepy at the same time. So the battle raged between trying to relax and kicking the chair for awhile, then I fell asleep. Finally, the treatment was completed about the time I awoke and Janet drove me home. That night, although the usual "fuzzy-headed" feeling persisted, I felt relatively fine.

Great News - Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Today, I had an appointment with the naturopath. During the office visit, we discussed the various side effects I had experienced over the past months and how to address them. I am always glad to hear what suggestions she has. I was also happy to report that the products she prescribed during our last visit worked so well that those side effects had disappeared (the neuropathy and the chemical burns on my hands). However, it was after reviewing my blood work from the day of the fourth chemo treatment, that she made a shocking statement. She said she thought I might be able to do a round of detox after the sixth and final chemo treatment. I remembered that originally she had said I would need to wait until after radiation was complete to build my immune system, then I could begin the process of detoxing. So, when she suggested the idea of detoxing before radiation I reminded her of her original statement. Then I asked about the rebuilding segment of the protocol because of the need to have an intact immune system. It was then she explained that because my white blood cell counts were so good, my immune system was still operating. She also informed me that I was still absorbing vitamins which meant that my digestive system was operating as well, albeit not perfectly due to the chemo, but it was still in working order. Although she would make the final decision over the next month, no one but God, and another person dealing with cancer, could understand the degree to which that piece of news affected me. Let me explain. Chemo is designed to attack rapidly dividing cells. Since the digestive and immune systems produce cells rapidly, both these systems are naturally attacked by it. In addition, I have been reading that chemo damages organs, oftentimes irreparably. Because a person’s immune system is compromised by it, if there is a second attack of cancer, the body usually cannot withstand that attack. This is why after a number of years a second cancer can possibly metastasize to an organ or the bones, etc. Knowing these things beforehand, I have been doing all that I can to protect my body during this protocol. But, the thoughts of what the chemo might be doing to my body were always in the background. That is why it came as such a relief to know that after three treatments these systems were still functioning fairly well.

I left the naturopath’s office feeling as though a one hundred pound weight had rolled off my shoulders. After calling my sister and exploding with excitement over the phone, I went to work. Upon entering, I saw Marilyn, grabbed her arm and jerked her into the back room where other staff were working. I then let go of her arm and made the announcement to whoever would listen. I could not contain my joy even though most who heard me did not catch the full import of my news. Thanks be to God for His faithfulness.

Reflections - Friday, October 9, 2009

As of today, it has been almost six months since I first discovered the tumor in my body. Sometimes while thinking about all that has taken place since then, I think about the evening of April 4, 2009. That night I attended the 50th birthday party of one of my oldest and closest friends. Her husband gave her a surprise party anyone would envy. Friends traveled from other states to help celebrate the occasion. She could not have been more surprised or honored. When I think about what took place that evening, the picture taking, the laughter, the great food (I ate a little too much broccoli rabe), I am amazed at how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. I think that if anyone had approached me that night and told me that within two weeks I would discover a cancerous lump in my body, be threatened with a mastectomy, have an operation, undergo chemo and radiation, have a plastic port implanted in my chest, then have to detox, etc……Well, my reply would have been to inquire about which hallucinogenic drugs that person was taking. I would have then recited a list of "nevers". You may know what I mean. I exercise, eat right, and confront my emotional issues without excuse, so I will never get cancer. In addition, I would only use alternative means to shrink a tumor. Furthermore, due to the toxicity involved in chemo and radiation, I will never subject my body to either protocol. Another "never" would have been the idea of sharing my innermost struggles in a blog, let alone on the internet. I only share those things with a select few, being a very private person by nature, so this thought would have been the final proof of someone’s hallucinations. However, here I am six months later doing all of the aforementioned. So, I guess I have failed my "never" list. At this point I must have faith in a God who guides me when I ask Him to do so. I also have to trust that if I have made any mistakes in the decision making process, He will lead me back on course and keep me safe from any possible harm. And like Joseph in the book of Genesis, I believe one day I will be able to say that what was meant for evil, God used for the good of others.

How to Help - Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Sometimes I wonder why some people feel compelled to tell me about their friend, relative, loved one, or acquaintance who had cancer and died after several years. I am not sure if they think it will help me or if they just do not know what to say. To be honest, this is a time when I need encouragement rather than to hear about that other person who lost the battle for his/her life because it hits too close to home. Please understand that it is not that I do not care. It is that, right now, I am waging that same battle in my own life and there is a continual need to remain positive. One such instance occurred a week ago as I was coughing while on the phone with someone. (It was a few days after the fever had passed and I was still recuperating.) That's when the person on the other end started telling me about his friend who died ten years ago this month right after his chemo was finished and he was ready to get on with life. He used to take power walks and one day caught a chill, contracted pneumonia, and died. The person recounting the story said he did not want to scare me, but......Guess who I called after I ended the conversation? You are correct, my naturopath. I was a little unnerved, to say the least.

If you really want to help someone dealing with cancer, I would like to offer a few suggestions. Offer to clean his/her house, or cook, or drive him/her to an appointment. You could also send a card saying how much you care or call to check on him/her. Also, let the person talk if he/she needs to do so. All these things seem small but are more helpful than you realize. The offers of help I have received have amazed and touched me. For example, when I was about to start chemo, a number of people offered to take me to my treatments. I honestly had not thought about needing an escort as I was planning on going by myself, then going to work. I am so glad I accepted those offers as I am "fuzzy-headed" and tired after treatment and really should not be driving. Another dear person left a card for me, with money inside, telling me he was praying for me. That was an unexpected and needed blessing with all the co-pays I have been encountering. Also, my hairdresser will not let me pay for a hair cut or color until after the chemo is finished. (I still have some hair left.) Any of the above shows you care and really blesses the recipient.

More Adjustments - Thursday, October 1, 2009

This morning, I reached another point of decision. For months now, my family, friends, and pastors have been insisting that I make my healing my primary focus. Sometimes my skin is a little thick though. I really thought I was doing just that because I have been religiously taking my supplements, exercising, watching what I eat, trying to get to bed on time, and doing the medical thing. (You know, the chemo, etc.) So, why wouldn’t I think I was following their counsel? Well, this morning, I received a revelation. I realized I have been doing all of the above while also trying to maintain my life as it was before the diagnosis. In other words, I have been taking on stressful situations, mostly work related, as though there were no major trial in my life. And it has been taking its toll on me. I suddenly realized I could not continue this way. Mind you, it is not that I do not want to do so. It is that I cannot, at least, not until March or April of 2010. By that time, I figure I will have finished radiation, somewhat rebuilt my immune system, and detoxified my body. To continue to try to be the "Joan" that I was before the diagnosis is counter-productive to my health. Now I understand I have to lean on people more. However, the thought of doing so is really difficult since I never want to be a burden to anyone. Well, I took the first step on Thursday. I called a number of key staff together and told them that I needed their help with a situation that our business would be facing shortly. Usually, they are a very supportive group and this time was no exception. Afterwards, I felt like about ten tons had lifted off my shoulders. The funny thing is that I still have the same responsibilities, but I no longer feel alone in carrying them out. It is amazing how much a support system can make a difference in your life.

Thankfulness - Wednesday - September 30, 2009

Last week, I was asked to assist a customer who was about to start radiation. She had a question concerning the usefulness of one of our products during her therapy. I recognized her as one of the ladies I had seen while shopping for “Abby” the wig. During the conversation, she remarked about my eyelashes and eyebrows. She had lost hers during chemo and was expressing envy over mine. She also related how hard it was to not have lashes because things could get in her eyes more easily due to this. It struck me deeply. I had not considered losing my eyelashes or eyebrows. I knew I would have to talk to the oncologist about it during my then upcoming fourth treatment. But it made me even more grateful for what I have. I’ll attempt to explain. During this kind of trial, your list of things to be thankful for changes drastically. It turns from the every day things people appreciate like their families, friends, jobs, homes, sunshine, etc., to the things all of us take for granted. For instance, that day, I became extremely grateful to still have eyelashes and eyebrows intact even though both had thinned a little. I have also been thankful not to be throwing up after each chemo to the point of dehydration, for food to taste the same to me, to still have an appetite, to not have pain in my hands and feet, to still look healthy, to have energy, to be able to work, cook, clean the house, go to church each service, to still be productive to some degree, to be able to help people, and finally, to still have some hair on my head! Although now a days I resemble Uncle Fester from the Addams family more and more, sans the light bulb. I am also grateful that my bodily systems are generally in good working order. These are things all of us expect each day without thinking about it, but, believe me, you learn quickly to appreciate these things more as you walk through this type of crisis.

Just a note... the oncologist said that if I had not lost my eyebrows or eyelashes thus far in the treatment cycle, he was pretty sure, although no guarantees, that I would keep them throughout. One more thing to be grateful for! So, I hope anyone reading this finds gratitude toward a good God for all the little things of life.

Fever Gone! - Tuesday - September 29, 2009

A 24 hour period finally elapsed between 10 p.m. on Sunday and 10 p.m. on Monday without any fever so I was able to return to work. Thank God! It was a great feeling to get into my car and drive to work for the first time in days. I did actually inform the oncologist about what had transpired over the previous five days at the suggestion of my nurse friend, Marge, and Marilyn. I had to chuckle after the conversation ended though. He thanked me for supplying him with the information but expressed the desire to know of my condition as it was happening. I was honest. I told him I knew he would have given me antibiotics as a normal protocol and I did not want to lay a stronger burden on my immune system than was already apparent. Although it would have been a difficult phone call to make, I reassured him that if the fever had gotten out of hand, he would have been contacted.