Foul Up - Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Well, I blew it today. I thought the "dry run" time for the radiation equipment was 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, so I acted accordingly. However, when I arrived at Bryn Mawr, the supervisor told me my appointment was actually 8:45 a.m. Sure enough, when I checked my appointment book, he was correct. That really upset me because I am so diligent about appointments and especially since it was only the second time I met with these people. I did not want to be a problem from the start. Because the scheduling for radiation is so tight, he could not re-arrange his day in order to fit me in. So...the set-up time was re-scheduled for December 16th, which means I will not start radiation until December 17th. I really felt like a dope, but there was nothing I could do to change it and it certainly was not done purposefully. Still, I left there crying and feeling horrible about the whole incident. I called my sister as well as my best friend who prayed with me, but I still felt terrible. I thought it was because I had messed up the doctor and supervisor’s schedules, but my friend was insistent that I was upset because of having to do radiation itself. I do not know if that was the real reason why, all I know is that I was upset. I was also feeling like a bother for having to call anyone for emotional support and for crying over something so trivial. This whole process, the diagnosis, the operation, the chemo, radiation, etc., makes you feel so vulnerable and dependant upon others beyond what is normal. Sometimes, you just want to stop needing the people in your life so much even though they tell you how much they want to help you. You want life to return to what it was before the trauma so that you can be the person giving help rather than needing it.