Reflections - Friday, October 9, 2009

As of today, it has been almost six months since I first discovered the tumor in my body. Sometimes while thinking about all that has taken place since then, I think about the evening of April 4, 2009. That night I attended the 50th birthday party of one of my oldest and closest friends. Her husband gave her a surprise party anyone would envy. Friends traveled from other states to help celebrate the occasion. She could not have been more surprised or honored. When I think about what took place that evening, the picture taking, the laughter, the great food (I ate a little too much broccoli rabe), I am amazed at how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. I think that if anyone had approached me that night and told me that within two weeks I would discover a cancerous lump in my body, be threatened with a mastectomy, have an operation, undergo chemo and radiation, have a plastic port implanted in my chest, then have to detox, etc……Well, my reply would have been to inquire about which hallucinogenic drugs that person was taking. I would have then recited a list of "nevers". You may know what I mean. I exercise, eat right, and confront my emotional issues without excuse, so I will never get cancer. In addition, I would only use alternative means to shrink a tumor. Furthermore, due to the toxicity involved in chemo and radiation, I will never subject my body to either protocol. Another "never" would have been the idea of sharing my innermost struggles in a blog, let alone on the internet. I only share those things with a select few, being a very private person by nature, so this thought would have been the final proof of someone’s hallucinations. However, here I am six months later doing all of the aforementioned. So, I guess I have failed my "never" list. At this point I must have faith in a God who guides me when I ask Him to do so. I also have to trust that if I have made any mistakes in the decision making process, He will lead me back on course and keep me safe from any possible harm. And like Joseph in the book of Genesis, I believe one day I will be able to say that what was meant for evil, God used for the good of others.