Rock Bottom - Monday, August 31, 2009

I have only discussed the subject of feeling useless with one other cancer survivor to date so I am not sure whether this feeling is common or not. All I know is that I found myself feeling useless over and over again during this time. It is not that I have been rendered completely helpless, it is just that, at the moment, I cannot do all the things I want to do. When you are accustomed to helping people, assisting at your church, or producing your share at work, the idea of not being fully operational is difficult, to say the least. As time has gone by, the feelings of uselessness became more pronounced until today when I think I hit rock bottom. While exercising this morning, I found myself crying uncontrollably about it. It was then that I made a decision that somehow I would find a way to help others even during this time and announced it to God, the angels, and whoever else might care to listen. I think one has to make a decision first before you can actually move toward action. This is the reason for this blog. It is not because I have "diarrhea of the mouth" (a term my sister is fond of using for those who talk too much.) It is so that in sharing what I am going through and how I feel at the time, someone who is about to walk through the same fire, or has a loved one who is, can understand the feelings one may have in a situation like this.